Blue

I've tried to hide it for the past couple of days now, but it just won't be concealed any more. I have had ideas for things to post, but didn't have any desire to do so. I kind of had to force myself to post Leah's 11-month post yesterday. I'm forcing myself to post this today.

I don't really know what's going on. I'm just feeling blue. Dreary. A little sad. Last night, it manifested itself in grumpiness toward my sweet husband, who asked me over and over if he had done something to upset me and I, in all honesty, told him no....which meant that again, he was just the victim of his wife's unpredictable and wavering moods. That, of course, just made me feel worse.

I don't have any reason to be sad. Life is good. It really is. I just feel stuck somehow.....in a rut....a dangerous slump that, if history is any indication, could prove to lead to a deep valley that's near impossible to get out of. That, I think, is what motivates me to write today. I know I have to reveal the slump for it to begin to make its way out the door.

To be honest, I think some of the slump has to do with my life stage right now...and its relation to the life stage of my dear daughter. She's curious....into everything....has to be watched every second....which means that her mom doesn't get anything done. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Days come and days go, and success is indicated by only a sleeping baby with a fully belly and a house that *maybe* doesn't look like a tornado recently came for a visit. I'm not getting any of my writing done for my book, and I'm not getting much quiet time with the Lord, either. If I had those - time for myself to be creative and, especially, to rejuvenate myself spiritually - I would be in better shape. I tell myself that this is just a phase that will pass as quickly as the other phases have, but then I worry that I'm disillusioning myself. I worry that this is how it will always be, and that I - Jessica, the woman who aspires to write and be published and touch women's lives with God's word and work - must sit in the shadows until no one else needs my attention. If that's the way it is, please don't tell me. I'd rather be disillusioned.

And as I write this, I'm berating myself for my negativity. I'm telling myself that no one comes to my blog to be brought down, or to find themselves in the middle of a pity party for someone they don't really know. I'm thinking about not publishing this post at all, because of it's inconsistency with what I normally try to write here and the image I try to portray....but I know that I will publish it because it, in its ugliness and negativity and realness, is part of my journey and that no one can offer advice or encouragement if I don't speak up.

So there it is, dear friends. In all of its harsh reality, there it is.