An undeniable and irresistible craving

I'm so hungry and thirsty I can't stand it. Parched.....famished.....starving for something, yet never satisfied..... The hunger is not for food, and the thirst will not be quenched by water.

I need more of Jesus. I need more. I feel Him and crave Him and need Him. I need more of Him to satisfy this blinding urge within me. I'm not content unless my focus is on Him. I need more. I need to refocus my energy....not so much on myself and my life, and more on Him. That's the only way to finally be satisfied. I feel like such a prodigal.....always getting distracted by my own life and wandering off, only to realize how badly I miss Him and need Him. I come back, head down and somewhat ashamed at my incessant stubbornness, and He takes me right back. I feel so undeserving of the million second chances He affords me.

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy, and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. (Isaiah 55:1-2)

Update

The job search continues.

After a LOT of research on the company that contacted me last week, I decided to tactfully notify them that I would not be coming to the meeting on Friday. It was totally and completely SALES. I cannot sell ANYTHING. Period. If I try and give someone a cupcake and they say no, I usually think, "Cool. That's your thing. More for me." Selling insurance to senior citizens would not be my forte. I would be a complete softy, and not to mention, I love older adults. They make me smile, and I would NOT be able to try to force something on them. I wouldn't make any money unless I sold anything......so, no. Not for me. I don't feel like I'm really in a position to be picky, but I am definitely not in a position to do just any job, because we all know what happens when I hate my job.

And, on that note, I went back to my doctor Friday and she's changing my medication. I'm actually pretty excited about this, because allegedly my side effects will be all but gone within a few weeks. That's a very, very good thing.

Let's see......what else? I'm not sure..... I'll probably think of something in about 10 minutes, but for now, that's all. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I'm going kind of crazy.

God is good. Even at 2 AM.

A Workman Approved by God

Keep reminding them of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen. Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid Godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly. Their teaching will spread like gangrene. Among them are Hymenaeus and Philetus, who have wandered away from the truth. They say that the resurrection has already taken place, and they destroy the faith of some. Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are His, " and, "Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness."

In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

(2 Timothy 2:14-26)

As you've probably already figured out, I've had quite the mental and spiritual battle going on this week and especially tonight. I had one of my panic attacks earlier this evening - the first one in a long time - and I couldn't get my breath through the feeling of defeat and hopelessness. I write this tonight (this morning?) knowing that I might well step on some toes, but I have to write it anyway. The thing is, my blog has literally become my journal (as I feared it would) and I need to vent and share my thoughts tonight, even if it's only to help me sort them out myself. The issue being dealt with tonight is that of words, and our misuse of them, and the resulting drama that ensues.

This particular situation has been going on this week in full force, and it is keeping me up at night.....dominating my thoughts and conversations with Scott.....giving me regular tension headaches..... Until tonight, though, I felt like I had it under control, at least in my own mind. Until tonight, I thought I was okay. Then came the brokenness. And the tears, and the fear that I've completely screwed everything up this time....and I didn't know what to do. Seriously, I didn't know what to do.

Unable to quiet my mind enough to even think about sleep, I wrote and prayed and really looked to God for answers. I just needed truth, because my week has been so filled with lies and misunderstandings and anger and frustration and unfair accusations....and I knew that while cute pictures of cats doing funny things might make me smile, I needed God's Word to penetrate the ache I was developing in my soul. Faithful as He always is, He led me to the above passage of scripture, which spoke so clearly to my situation and to the questions and doubts I had in my mind. It's so beautiful how God hears us when we beg Him for answers, and if we're sincere in our desire for truth He'll point us straight to it....however hard it may be to hear. This particular passage was extremely convicting for me - for more than one reason - and it not only tells me something I need to stop doing, but also tells me something I need to do that I have blatantly neglected.....perhaps to the detriment of my family's relationships with each other. It feels so good to have an answer, though, that it seems reasonable and possible and I'm even eager to get started. It could be the fact that it's 2 AM and there isn't much I can actually do about it now that sparks my motivation, but I feel like I have God's endorsement to do something I thought I might need to do, and knowing I go with God's blessing helps give me courage. I'm very non-confrontational, and I hate the idea of stepping on toes. I've been vague with this post intentionally, and even thought about changing my entire blog address because while I felt like I needed to write and someone else might need to read what I have to say, I was deathly afraid of someone reading it and misconstruing these words, too, and turning them against me as they have before. I was so scared that I almost didn't write....I almost didn't even ask God what to do....I almost hid this post from everyone so that I didn't somehow get myself into trouble. And then I realized that's stupid. This passage even says that God's workers shouldn't be ashamed, so that, too, is something for me to work on. Conviction is hard, but direction and affirmation is wonderful. God is so good to hear me and guide my wandering eyes and console my bleeding heart with His word. It fell on me like a soothing balm, and when I finished reading it I read it again....and again.....and again.....desperate to get everything it said and not to miss anything. Perhaps now, with this quiet I feel coming over me, I can rest the rest of one who has heard from her God.

I lift my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121)

Misconstrued

Words -
carelessly chosen and thoughtlessly thrown -
from heart to wounded heart are aimed.
An arsenal endlessly supplied endlessly flows with
acidic diatribes masked by a smile while
sweet sentiments hide deep darkness and deceive ears which capture them.
Those unspoken as bitter as friendships lost
while claimed good intentions hinder understanding.
Misspoken -
Misunderstood -
Misconstrued -
words like stones fall on open wounds and vulnerable souls,
breaking hearts under the burden of sin.
Tears fall and words fail,
Sleep lost while memories last of times before the truth -
before understanding -
before realization -
before enlightenment of a concealed and hurtful soul.
Truth is elusive and confidence fades when words change, intercepted and allowed to fly without inhibition from wounded heart to wounded heart.
A Tower between us - words convoluted, twisted, warped from mouth to ear.
Understanding impossible without vision or care.
Without understanding we choose carelessly and throw thoughtlessly the words equipped to destroy.

Is this what you had in mind, Becca?

.......Because it's a little scary to me.