Perfectionism vs Comparativism

Why does everything have to be so complicated? It's so hard.... Get one thing right, fail miserably at something else. Sometimes I want to build a huge wall around my heart, blocking anything and everything from getting in. It's just that it's the people and the things that are closest to my heart that have such easy access to hurt it. Vulnerability is a scary thing, and the more intimate you are with people - whatever form that intimacy may take - the more vulnerable you are. It's automatic and scary.

I think one thing that makes it so hard for me is that I'm such a perfectionist, and I'm a comparativist (i.e. I compare me and my life to everything I see around me - I know that's not a real word), and those two things do not go well together. See, things with other people tend to look so perfect, and that only leads to the expectation of things being perfect in my own life - which, of course, they won't be, and in reality things in other people's lives aren't perfect either. The perfectionist doesn't see that, though. The perfectionist sees perfection and expects no less of herself. So when her job or her relationships or her appearance or her whatever don't look every bit as perfect as everyone else's, then what? Calamity. Complete and total calamity.

And that's what leads me here tonight. The feeling of failure that follows so naturally from impossibly high expectations of myself, and the feeling of dread of failing yet again. Realistically, of course, I know I can't be perfect, and I know that I can't do everything just right. I know that I am flawed and will forever be flawed until I am perfected in Christ, and I know it's not a logical thing to expect so much from myself. I know that, but am having to relearn that every single day and learn how to accept defeat and those inevitable falls with more grace.

I know this is vague. Sometimes it's better that way.

Preparing the Fields for Rain

I've recently been seeing a lot of girls my own age who are doing different things. Getting their Masters, having babies, and on and on. There are even girls younger than me who are doing those things. There must be something in the water at my church, because there are more babies and pregnant women there than I've ever seen anywhere in my life that isn't in a hospital. Anyway, lots of that is going around, and there's a lot of other things I see in other people that I could be doing. I see those things and I want them. I want them, to the point of actually getting sad when I hear about steps other people are taking in their lives. At the risk of sounding like a mean, bitter, and horrible person, I AM happy for them - I really am - but I immediately start thinking that whatever they have found is right for them is maybe what's right for me, and that the path I'm on is wrong for me and I should head more in their direction. I've always been like that. I think I've always had just enough insecurity to look at other people and see people who have what I want and who are who I should be rather than seeing distinctive individuals and appreciating the differences between us. Clothes, hair, talents, careers, families, and on and on. It's an ongoing thing for me. I realized some of this tonight, and I talked a lot to Scott about it. Right now, where I am, with no job and no clue where I'm going - being completely adrift and pretty confused about where I'm going - I think I'm pretty susceptible to it. I know some things that I want in my life. I want a family. I want to be a mom so badly! I also want to go back to school. I want to go further in my education so that I can get that career I've always dreamed of having. I want to have a job I want to get up and go to every morning. I know that I want those things. The thing is, though, that I can't accept that the timing God has for other people's lives is not the same timing He has for me. I have a bad habit of seeing what other people have, imagining those things in place in my life, and convincing myself that's the way it's supposed to be. I feel like things aren't quite right unless I have those things, and I get so sad and confused. It's so hard to say, "God, I know You have a plan and a place for me in this big world, and I know You'll get me there. I know You will, and I trust You." Why is that?

So anyways, through my conversation with Scott tonight, I got some direction. Actually, I prayed all the way home from Bible study tonight, and talked to Scott immediately afterwards, so I think it was a combination of the two, for sure. Anyhow, Scott convinced me that I'm okay. He told me what I already know - that my life has a different pace from other people's and that that's okay. I knew that already, but still. So what I decided was that I need to prepare the fields for rain. I got that from the movie "Facing the Giants." If you haven't seen it, you should. It's very good. Anyway, one of the characters is dealing with a lot of crises at one time in his life, and someone tells him this great story about two farmers. He says that there were two farmers who desperately needed rain. They both prayed for rain, but responded afterward completely differently. One sat inside, feeling bad for himself and wishing it would rain, knowing that his entire livelihood depended on rain. The other guy went out and tilled and land, preparing it for the day that it would rain. The point is that only one of them really believed that God would take care of him and would meet his needs.

So my whole thing from tonight is that I need to apply more of my energy to getting better and stop feeling bad for myself. By definition, that's what depression is (feeling bad for oneself) but it doesn't have to be that way. By staying in this stagnant and unproductive position, I'm kind of saying that I don't think God can or will bring me to a better place in my life. I'm not applying any of my own energy to healing, and am still expecting Him to perform miracles. I've heard it said that while all things are possible with God, He won't do everything for us. We have to do what we cna, and He will pick up where it becomes impossible for us.

And that's where I am tonight. Realizing that I've been kind of complacently accepting this desolate pit of depression, and wanting so desperately to be content with my life. The two don't go together whatsoever, and I have to get up off my duff and do something. My own actions show my trust in God. My actions - however weak - will allow His strength to be perfected in me. And that's what I want. So tomorrow, I'm updating my resume and filling out an application Scott picked up for me. I'm preparing the fields for rain.

Conflicting Emotions

I just got an email from my boss at AUM. Technically, my term with VISTA there is over next week, and I haven't been there (again) in several weeks. I was doing fine, and was even going in to work for a couple of days and then I had a bad day, slipped up on some things, and haven't been able to face it all ever since. I put on a brave face a lot of the time, because it sounds so stupid, but I finally came clean and completely honest with how ludicrous it all sounds with Amy (my boss). That was when I first crashed a few weeks ago, and I haven't even been brave enough to check my work email to see what her response was to that. She emailed my home address today, so I think she knows I've been hiding again. I've got such mixed emotions about all of this.

For one thing, Amy told me a few months ago that if I was able to readjust to being in the world and was able to get back to the better version of me, she was going to talk to me about a job she'll be hiring for in a few months. She hasn't mentioned it since then, so I think it's pretty obvious that she and I both know that I have NOT readjusted well and am not ready for something like that.

Now, the job she was going to hire for was going to be part time and would have been perfect for me considering that I am going to be going back to school in the very near future. I don't know what it would have paid and I don't know the details of what I would have been doing, but I was actually thinking that if she offered me the job, I was going to take it. Karla (counselor) and Scott both have told me they don't think it would have been a good idea for me to do that. While I have maintained that I like the work environment there, they both say that obviously I don't or else I wouldn't have experienced such turmoil for the past year. After considering what they said and that they were both concerned about what it would have meant for me if I worked there permanently, I had decided that I wouldn't accept it if it had been offered.

Now, though, as I see that it's clearly not going to happen, I feel defeated. I feel like I've let myself and everyone else down - again - and I'm actually afraid that this could be a setback. I've been feeling good about me, generally, and have been working really hard on not being so hard on myself. I've been teaching myself that I am a lot harder on myself than others are, and that I insist on carrying a lot more burden than other people want or need me to. My failures and inadequacies are not as calamitous to other people as they are to me, and I know that, and I know that something like this - with a medical and psychologocal background - is no indication of what kind of a person I am. I know that, and yet I'm feeling very let down tonight. I'm feeling like I've failed and have allowed myself to be crushed by all of this. Even though I know I didn't want the job, now that I know it isn't going to be offered, I'm sad and disappointed. I was just watching Friends, and the whole Rachel/Ross saga kinda applies here. Rachel didn't want Ross for herself, but when someone else wanted him, she was sad and acted like she had wanted him all along.

It sounds so weird, I know.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to finally leave this behind. There are some days that I feel so victorious and so strong, and then something stupid and little happens and I feel like I haven't made any progress at all.

Karla asked me once what I felt like God was calling me to right now - today. I asked her if she meant specifically, and she said for me not to think about my answer, but to just say what I was thinking. My first thought was, "God is calling me to live victoriously." I really felt that, and I feel that now. I know God wants me to be victorious, and doesn't want to see me living in something He has done so much to set me free from. That's true, yes, but Karla made me realize that's a pretty high calling. Living victoriously is pretty intimidating. It sounds impossible, to think of living victoriously - really victoriously - all day every day. It's a process, and I need to take each victorious moment, each victorious hour or day, for what it is and be glad that I had that. I know that, and I know that I'm not going to wake up to an agoraphobia-free life one morning. It's going to take time and work. I know that, but I can't accept it. I still expect so much. My wish is that I could give myself an iota of the grace that God gives me.

Purring

I was laying down the other morning, upset about everything and nothing at all, and Kitter curled up right next to me. It was precious, and even though my mind was going crazy with thoughts of guilt and shame and pressure and all sorts of things that really make no sense, she comforted me. She put her head down on my blanket and started to purr. I didn't pet her, I didn't even really do anything but look at her, and she just started to purr. Now, cats purr for three reasons: 1)they're in pain, 2)they're tense or scared, 3)they're content. (Seriously. My vet told me so.)

She was content with nothing more than being there with me. She wanted to cuddle, and once she had that, she was okay with life. Purring and sleeping......sleeping and purring......that was all she needed.

And you know what? Her purring made ME feel better. I watched as she breathed deeper and deeper and fell into a deep sleep, and it soothed me into a similar deep sleep.

One of my final thoughts before I dozed off was of how good God is. There's no reason for cats to purr, to my knowledge. There's no benefit to their health or to their own wellbeing by making that cute little noise. She probably doesn't even really know that she does it, and likely has no idea that she's doing anything to make me feel better about anything.

God, though, knew that. He knew that animals would be more to us than small, furry companions, and that there would be times that we needed something from them as much as they would always need things from us. He knew that I needed Kitter that morning, and He knows that with her laying here next to me even now, I feel better than I would were she not here at all. God knows what we need better than we do, and He planned long ago to make sure that we had it. Food, shelter, love,.....and even purring.