Driving Through Heaven

This morning I was in awe at what I saw on my way to work. After two cloudy/rainy days, the sunlight seemed particularly clear and bright this morning, illuminating an array of pastels streamed throughout the early-morning sky. Yellows and pinks intermingled with the welcome sight of blue skies, and golden rays of light poured out from behind similarly golden clouds. As I drove the windy country road I take to work, the hills and valleys provided perfect opportunities for a misty fog to collect along the horizon, while the sunlight gleamed overhead. A perfect start to my day.

Let's see........

I know I have a lot to write about, because I haven't written about random stuff I've done in a long time, and I feel like I should or else it's going to be really complicated when I finally get around to posting pictures (which I started last night, but was interrupted when our internet wouldn't work anymore).....but I think I'm going ot write about something on my heart instead. Hopefully that'll be interesting, too.

For one thing, I'm feeling pretty amazed and almost overwhelmed by how God works it all out. I've had this dream for years that I told no one and scarcely even allowed myself to think about, because it just seemed so far-fetched. I want to be published. Eventually, I want to write a women's devotional/inspirational book and have it published. I don't want to be famous; I only want to use the experiences I've had to help someone else, and I think it's getting pretty clear in my life that the gift of writing that I've been given is how I'm to do that. Still, though, I've never allowed myself to really think about it much, because it seemed too big for me. It wasn't even that I was consciously doubting God's ability to make it happen; it just seemed that that's a pretty big undertaking, and this is little ol' me we're talking about. I never allowed myself to nurture a dream I never thought would even come close to fruition. I met with my pastor yesterday afternoon about something that changes all of that, though. Without me ever telling him that I had this dream - because I had never told ANYONE, really - he asked me to adapt his sermons for publication. For now, it's only going to be in-house, with us distributing them online to those who want them and to our own community, but eventually he wants it to grow so that people can get the positive message about a relationship with Christ that we emphasize so strongly in our church. We want to get that out there, because our church and our approach is pretty unique and there are a lot of people, we think, that could truly benefit from the vision of ministry God has given us. Anyhow, I'm going to be working on that, and I'm so excited. It's such an exciting new avenue of ministry, and I'm really humbled that I'm the one God has called into this....because I DO feel like it's a calling. John asked me if I thought I had time to do this, and I was like, "Um....I'm supposed to do this. I'll make time." Please pray that I stay focused on what this is about, that I'll be protected from Satan's attempts to feed my ego through this, and that the words will be given to me. I don't want this to be about me in any way.

Also, I'm feeling so encouraged by the community of Christ. Last week, as many of you have read, I struggled a lot with nastiness here at work, and with feelings of bitterness and anger at worldly perspectives that I'm surrounded with all day. I'm not used to that - for the past several years, I've worked almost exclusively with other Christians, and haven't had to deal with those kinda of viewpoints. Today, though, one of the girls I work with - who I knew was a believer - brought me a CD of Christian music to listen to, and it has lifted me up so much throughout the day. It also sparked a good conversation with her, and encouraged me that I'm not alone here. Everyone here is nice - don't get me wrong - but it's SO helpful to know that there are others here who are standing against the gossip and slander and impurities.

Thirdly, the most recent series we've done at church (and the first one I'm going to adapt) was called "Worship (re)defined," trying to take what the church has made "worship" and change it to a more biblical concept. It was a phenomenal series, and I have been so challenged to make worship a 24/7 part of my life. If you're able to, I hope you'll listen to the sermons either online (www.thequestonline.com) or on CD.

Pictures are coming......eventually. There are lots, and it's taking me a little while. Maybe they'll be worth the wait. =)

Sometimes I just want to cry.

For awhile now, I've been doing so well - in reference to my depression and anxiety - that it has seemed surreal. AT my last appointment with my counselor, we talked about how things are going so well that sometimes I have to step back and wonder when it's going to get bad again....but I told her that I feel like I'm doing much better than I was because I don't, actually, feel that way. I don't wake up every morning wondering if this is the day that things go bad again, and I don't have to work to make myself have a decent day anymore. I'm doing very well, I'd say.

Today, though, I just want to cry. I have an abundance of frustrated tears welling up in me, and I'm afraid that with the least amount of provication, the full deluge may overtake me. These tears are different, though. These tears are the result of a day that keeps slapping me with things that seem directly aimed and intended to make my suppressed tears fall. My shock absorbers, as I have called them, don't seem to be working very well today. It isn't taking much to shake me and rattle me and knock me completely off-kilter.

The day started out well. It really did. It all started around lunchtime.

I have a particularly chauvinistic and, well, crass coworker. He's the type who spits his tobacco stuff in a Sprite bottle and has a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue desktop calendar. He really does. Usually, in spite of these things, he is a funny guy and - though we admittedly have nothing in common - we are able to talk and laugh and get along famously, in the manner that coworkers need to. He always has funny stories and interesting perspectives on things, and while I often see our conversations as a chance to let my little light shine, I do find myself laughing and enjoying the break from mileage charts and invoices. Anyhow, his first story of the day was not a good one. He began by telling me a joke he had played on two of our pump operators based on their sexual preferences. The story ended - finally - and I told him that was wrong, did not laugh, and continued with my work. This did not rattle me. What did rattle me was when, several hours later, he mentioned in conversation with me and another girl in the office that another girl we work with (stories are hard to tell sometimes when you don't want to use names) needs to have a glass desk. Do you get it? It took me a second, and I was shocked when I realized what he meant. I stared at him, told him again that that wasn't right, and walked away....perturbed and apalled. Fortunately, it was time for lunch, so after resolving that I would never wear a skirt here, I left for my lunch break.

We're hosting our first "dinner party" tomorrow night, for about 4 couples from church, and I only yesterday decided on the menu. I decided that during lunch today I would go to the store to get wht I needed. I shop at Kroger, a southern (I think) phenomenon that gives big-time savings when you have the handy-dandy Kroger card. I shop very intentionally...looking all the time for the yellow tags that indicate extra savings when I swipe my little card. Today, I was particularly excited because I had found several things I needed that were substantially discounted for cardholders, so I knew the bill would be a lot less than it otherwise would have been. Long story short, I get to thte register, try to give the girl (named Cappuccino....can you believe that?) my card, and she wouldn't take it. She said it would go through when I scanned it in the debit.credit card thingy, because it's also a credit card. I swipe....the receipt prints, and there are no discounts. NONE. I said, "Um.....it didn't give me my discounts because of the card," and she said, "Well, there's nothing I can do about it now. See? It's done," and kind of shrugged her shoulders. It's no big deal to her, clearly, but it's a big deal to me. She was so casual and uncaring about it that I became LIVID. I was seething. I don't get mad about thigns usually, but knowing that she could have just wasted at least $10 of our money and didn't want to do ANYTHING to try to fix it just pushed me over the top. I was angry at her and angry at myself for being angry. I prayed on my way back to work, remembering from my recent Bible study lesson that bad thoughts are a choice. I did NOT want this girl named Cappuccino to ruin my day. I was determined to shake it off.

When I got back to my desk, the phone rang....for Boss Man. Hurray. This time, I knew he was here and was proud to be able to say that for sure. I even knew that this was not a telemarketer or other unappealing person, and that he would definitely want to talk to him. I paged back to Boss Man's office....and was greeted with this terse response: "Take a message, will you? I'm on the phone." My thought immediately became, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE ON THE PHONE IF YOU INSIST ON USING YOUR CELL PHONE????????" I took a message, snuck back into Boss Man's office to deliver it, and returned to my desk. *deep breaths* Back to work.

The door chimes ring. Someone is coming into the office and, as receptionist, it's my duty to greet them. I welcomed him with a smile, as I always do, and asked what I could do to help him. He was on crutches, wearing ripped up clothes, and smelled of alcohol, so it wasn't long before I realized this was going to be complicated. He proceeded to tell me his life story which, under other circumstances, I might have been eager to hear, but - with my state of mind being what it has become today - I'm afraid I was not the most comforting person in his time of strife. That made me feel bad, because I realized how bad my attitude was, so when he said he needed to talk to one of the project managers, I was happy to comply. I called the manager and started telling him what was going on while the man continued to tell me his story....getting louder and louder because I was, so rudely, trying to talk over him. As I talked to the manager on the phone, he appeared behind me. HOW DO THESE PEOPLE DO THAT? I thought we were a concrete company, not a school for magicians! He handled Mr. Intoxicated and then told me what I should have done in that situation. Wonderful. Now I have to anticipate every Mr. Intoxicated and Ms. Drama Queen that waltzes through our door, AND I have to hear the expletive-laced descriptions of them when they leave.

I'm sorry, y'all. I might cry a little on my way home, and I won't consider that a relapse.

Confessions of an Obsession Addict

Is there a personality type that is particularly prone to becoming obsessed with things? I know that there has been a gene isolated that might indicate that some people are more prone to addictions to alcohol and the like, but I wonder if there is something that predisposes people to becoming overly enthusiastic about things which do not necessarily warrant such excitement.

This question is posed, of course, for a reason. I am addicted to obsessions. Weird, you say? Let me explain.

I am obsessed with shoes. I have more pairs than anyone I know.....except, perhaps, for Mom (which only feeds into my theory that this might somehow be a genetic thing). I can't help it. I go into a store looking for toothpaste, and I come out with shoes. I leave my house with the intention of dropping off a bag of castoffs at Goodwill, and before I know it, I'm trying on a pair of someone else's casted-off boots. I plan my outfits according to what shoes I feel like wearing, and if I don't feel like my shoes go with my ensemble, my day is all off kilter. Scott - a fairly typical low-maintenance man - has only one square foot in which to store his 3 pairs of shoes in our closet, while I have completely overwhelmed the enormous basket designated for mine to such an extent that I have one downstairs for the shoes that are in season, and another upstairs for those that will have to wait a few more months to be worn. It's not healthy. I know this, and yet I still can't stop thinking about the pair of red patent leather peep-toe pumps I saw at Target the other day.

On to purses. Some would say that the days of changing your purse to match your outfit (*ahem* shoes) are long gone, but I have to argue. If it's going to be slung over my shoulder all day, why should I willingly use one that clashes with the outfit that I have carefully put together? This habit, based on the aforementioned obsession with footwear, leads logically to only one thing: a huge assortment of handbags. Big black ones, small black ones. Big blue ones, big brown striped ones, small pink ones, small multicolored ones (thanks, Becca!).....this, too, is not healthy but is, to my chagrin, another of my weaknesses.

Foods are not exempt from my penchant for becoming obsessed. Once I re-entered the caffeinated world, it was as though a virtual Pandora's box had been flung open. One might say that it's only natural to become particularly interested in something which has been off limits for so long, or that I was merely "making up for lost time." However, I don't think that my newfound and perpetual craving for all things caffeinated was within those "normal" boundaries. Chocolate, for example, has become an essential ingredient in my diet. While before going decaf I ate it only occasionally and could easily do without it, I now have to have it. It's a need. Likewise, sweet tea - which is credited with being what makes southern girls so sweet - suddenly replaced water as my drink of choice. At every meal. Similarly, since starting work, I have developed a new caffeinated obsession which, until now, has not been spoken of to anyone. I have fallen into the trap that has seized much of our country and the western world at large. I evaded it for a long, long time.....but it has caught up with me. One morning last week I stopped at a gas station to grab snacks to have in my desk, and something glimmering in the refrigerator caught my eye. (It probably wasn't actually glimmering, but my sleepiness on that particular morning somehow made it much more appealing.) Starbucks Frappuccino. Oh....my.....goodness. I had never had one, but having heard how delectable they are and being open to try something that might - just might - wake me up without putting me to sleep first (as sugar still will do)....I bought one (in mocha flavor, of course). Not a workday has passed since that I have not indulged this new, secret obsession. They taste good, of course (wow, are they good), and they do seem to give me a boost in the morning, but I don't know why I have to have them. I have Starbucks on the brain. It's an obsession. Truly.

I've heard of athletes being obsessed with certain rituals, such as wearing the same pair of socks for every game, eating the same thing the morning of every big competition, or walking around the locker room in a certain direction before suiting up in their uniforms. These are definitely obsessions, but they're more along the lines of superstitions. It worked once, and now they are convinced that it will always work. I am not a superstitious person. I don't recall ever having my life saved because of the ever-growing mountain of shoes in my closet, and I know that life will not always be peachy as long as I begin my days with a frappuccino. I am an intelligent person. I know that. Why, then, am I so mindlessly driven toward these things?

Naturally, this can be explained spiritually. (Some of this can probably be explained chemically, too, but allow me to go in this direction.) I'm looking for something, clearly. There's obviously something that I feel is missing from my life. I must be trying to fix something that is out of whack in my life. My conclusion is this: the God-shaped hole in my heart is plugged with a high heel.

My insecurities....my worries....my self-doubt and occasional self-loathing.... There is something inside me that thinks those things can be easily fixed (or, at least, masked) with something tangible. If I have a pair of shoes that perfectly matches everything I could ever want to wear, I'll be happy. If I have a purse that everyone notices and compliments me on, I'll feel better about myself. If I drink this drink, it will make me feel good. The truth, though, is that if anything, those things only make me feel worse. I'll feel good temporarily if I look in the mirror and like what I see, but as I walk away from the mirror and into my day, my conscience screams and my spirit cries out for something more than a cute outfit. The thirst in my soul is deeper than any mixed coffee drink can quench. My existence is starving so that my feet can look good (and, honestly, not feel very good most of the time).

I don't need more shoes, another purse, or another bottle of frappe. I need more Jesus. That's the only obsession I need.

Magnificent Obsession

Steven Curtis Chapman

Lord, You know how much I want to know so much In the way of answers and explanations.

I have cried and prayed and still I seem to stay in the middle of life’s complications.

All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind, but now it’s brought me back to You and I can see again...
This is everything I want. This is everything I need. I want this to be my one consuming passion.

Everything my heart desires Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus. Be my magnificent obsession.
So capture my heart again. Take me to depths I’ve never been, into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy.

Return me to the cross and let me be completely lost in the wonder of the love that You’ve shown me.

Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things. Let all my dreams fall to the ground until this one remains.
You are everything I want, and You are everything I need. Lord, You are all my heart desires. You are everything to me.
You are everything I want, You are everything I need. I want You to be my one consuming passion.

Everything my heart desires, Lord, I want it all to be for You, I want it all to be for You.