You may never believe this...........

...........but I'm actually at work today. Shocking, I know! It's been.....way too long, actually, and it feels good to be back. Truth be told, I only got here this afternoon, because I freaked myself out about at the idea of coming even though I knew I wanted to. I think it's best to ease into it, anyway. I have to say I'm kinda proud of myself for making it happen. Unlike the past several months, I've been teaching myself to think more positively. I envisioned how I would have felt tonight had I not gone to work, and then thought how I would feel if I made it there, and decided I'd much rather have something to feel proud of than something else to beat myself up over. Plus, I have a session with my counselor at 6 this evening, and I kept thinking how I'd LOVE to go and say to her, "Guess what I did today?" I've been reading that new book called "The Secret," that talks about thinking positive thoughts as a way of creating the life that you want for yourself, and I'm realizing that there's some truth to that. I'm still not sure how Biblically applicable the book is, because it does teach a considerable amount of self-reliance and about how "the Universe" is giving me everything that happens in my life, but I do think that there is some truth to it. Think good thoughts, and you'll feel good. Feeling good allows good things to happen. True that. So anyways, I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and with Scott's help - leaving me notes in the morning that say things like "keep your energy on positive things" - I'm making some considerable progress. Like Becca said, I can essentially choose to feel awful, or I can decide in the morning when I get up that I'm going to feel good and I'm going to have a good day. It makes me wonder, actually, how much of my problem has been a biochemical one (requiring medication to treat it) and how much has simply been that I needed to change my thought patterns. I kinda think my chemical imbalances in my mind needed to be sorted out before I would be able to think positively and realistically and rationally, but whichever the case is, I'm happy to say that I am feeling better. I have been for a few days now, which leads me to believe that I might be on to something. What is it about my nature that refuses to believe the solution could be that easy? As long as I can remember, my dad has told me that when you wake up in the morning, you have the basic decision to make as to whether you're going to feel good and have a good day, or are going to be miserable. I knew that, and I've heard that for years and years, but in my mind, this just had to be more complicated than that. I analyzed it to death, over and over and over again, and what's the result? I needed to decide to get better. True, I needed some medication to help me get to this point, so it was more complicated than simply deciding to feel better, but still. (If it were that simple, I'd definitely have been better a LONG time ago, because I've been sick and tired or this for quite some time.) I don't mean to imply that there will never be depressing blog posts again, but there are going to be fewer. I am resolved to that. I'm going to get better. (And in case you're wondering, there really isn't much for me to do today, or at least right now, because the main thing my supervisor wanted me to work on today is only accessible on the one computer in the office that has Publisher.....which is currently in use by someone else. Ah, the joys of working in non-profits. So despite what it may look like, I have come back to work to actually do some work.....not just to play around on the internet. Though the internet is fun, too.)

The Birds of the Air

"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.

"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:24-34, The Message)

I rediscovered this passage earlier this week after what I perceived to be a pretty amazing discovery in our back yard. I was outside, helping Scott with something, when I kept hearing this "taptaptaptap...........taptaptaptaptaptap............taptaptaptaptaptap," over and over again. Determined to find out what it was, I wandered around to the back of the house, quietly, since I didn't know yet what I would find there, and started looking around.

Left....right.....up.......down.......left......right.....up.......down.....wait a second...... Then I saw it. A tiny little bird, up on this dead tree limb. "What's he doing?" I wondered. Undisturbed by my presence, he continued.

taptaptaptaptaptap.........taptaptaptaptaptaptap.......taptaptaptaptap

You've probably already figured it out. This tiny little bird was pecking away at the limb, creating holes big enough for him and several other birds to climb into.

Now, I don't know if he was some variety of woodpecker, looking for food (he didn't really look like a woodpecker) or if he was steadily chipping away at this branch to make a nest for his family, but I was moved. I'd never seen anything like that in my own backyard, and I was excited that this little bird had found something he liked here.

I told Scott about it, he checked it out, and we were both pretty mesmerized watching this little bird for awhile. Soon, though, Scott got back to work, the batteries on my camera died (stupid things) , and we went inside. From time to time that day, I thought about the little bird and wondered if he was still out there. I'd check on him and sure enough, there he was, tapping away.

I still didn't give it much more thought, though, until the next day, when a virtual monsoon came through our area. Rain, wind, tornado warnings.....you name it, we had it. I thought, in the middle of the storm, about that little bird, and how he was probably nestled safely in his new little home. I had my house to protect me from the weather, and he had his.

It all just amazed me, you know? Where Scott and I saw a dead tree limb, this little bird saw potential. We probably would have cut that limb down because we thought it was dead and had no use, but the little bird showed me otherwise.

So I got to thinking. That little bird was working away so hard less than 24 hours before the storm of all storms came. Like a little Noah, he worked and worked to get ready for what he thought might be coming. He didn't create that home, though - God provided it. So then I thought some more.....and thought that if God would care enough to make sure that little bird had a shelter from the storm, wouldn't He also take care of me? He gave His life for me. He'll take care of me. He said that He would, and He has never backed down on His promises before, so I shouldn't be worrying about anything. Thinking of the scripture that seemed quite pertinent to this situation, I read Matthew 6 in my NIV. Something told me to read it in The Message, though, so turning once again to trusty BibleGateway.com, I checked it out. Tears literally filled my eyes as I read that interpretation. The words went straight into my heart.

The message I got was this: Stop striving. Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to be so perfect, so stylish, so beautiful through your own efforts. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Stop paying so much attention to stuff that's so shallow and meaningless. "Pay attention to ME," God seemed to say. "I'm taking care of you, and I think you're wonderful and beautiful just like you are. I made you that way. Stop trying to be something else." I matter to God. That's all I need to know, because He thinks the world of me. He's taking special care of me, and I'm going to be okay. There's nothing to worry about, because I know in whose hands I rest.

Two Steps Forward and a Giant Leap Backwards

I'm frustrated tonight. Yesterday I finished the work my boss had given me to do at home, so today I spent most of the day at church helping Vickie pull the new children's building together for the open house on Sunday. It was great - I had a blast looking around for 50's style stuff to use in their little diner/cafe area, and I got to run errands and help out with painting.... It felt good to be part of something again, and I felt great when I left the church to come home for awhile before I had to be back there for a women's group gathering tonight.

If you've read any of my other blogs, you probably know some of what happened next.

I got home, got on the couch, and promptly fell asleep watching Oprah. Not a big deal, because I knew I'd wake up and have time to get ready for the church thing. Scott called me at precisely 5:42, though, waking me from a deep sleep. We both found me in that groggy, dazed "where am I?" kind of state of mind, but he - not realizing that I had been asleep - just thought I was in a bad mood and had decided not to go to the church. I snapped at him, I'm sure, because I can be very crabby when I wake up from naps like that, which would give him good reason to think I was in some variety of foul mood. Anyhow, he said he'd see me when he got home, and we hung up. Then, being me, I started beating myself up. "Why did I snap at him? He didn't do anything. Why am I like that?" And on and on and on. I felt awful, convinced myself that I was a bad person and an even worse wife, and - you guessed it - talked myself out of going to the church.

Now, I would have thought of this as a defeat before, but ALL WEEK I've been saying I was going to go tonight. I've been psyching myself up for it, I told my sister that I'd be there if she wanted to come, and I was even looking forward to it. I told myself I was going to consider this a trial for myself - that if I could get myself there on my own, without incident, I would have a great triumph to add to my record. And I really believed I could do it. I really did, and I was excited about the possibility of actually being proud of myself for making a big move forward. Then my mind turned on me, though, and it became impossible again, like it always seems to.

So that kinda sums up the past couple of days for me: two steps forward and a giant leap backwards. I was feeling good about getting work done here for my actual job and for getting out of the house and helping out at church, and then I fell backwards again. The bad thing is that victories make me stronger and psych me up for further accomplishments in this whole mess, and defeats - such as the one I experienced tonight - drag be down and convince me that I'm doomed for nothing more than the agony of defeat in the future. I know that's not logical, but my mind seems to hone in only on the negatives in myself and ignore the good things. I think, truly, that that's a big part of my problem. I told Scott last night that I think I'm actually expecting more from myself than is possible, thinking that what I'm expecting is what other people experience all the time. Does that make sense? Like, I told him I was going to go to the women's group thing even though I knew I'd be nervous, and he said that he gets nervous before the men's group things because he doesn't know who'll be there, etc. So that got me thinking about how I really do expect nothing short of perfection in myself, even though I know that's not possible, and I beat myself up when I fail to reach that impossibly high standard. I don't know. I feel like I need to find a support group: "Hi. My name is Jess, and I'm a perfectionist." Ugh.

Self-Esteem Boot Camp

Since I've been at home so much over the past few weeks, I've gotten in the bad habit of daytime TV....namely, shows on TLC like 10 Years Younger and What Not To Wear. Now, there are plenty of perfectly good shows on TLC, like the Baby Story and the Wedding Story and all, but I can't quite decide if the other two aforementioned shows are trash or not. Here's my thought.

If you've never watched these shows, basically someone nominates a friend, coworker, spouse, etc. for this makeover process. In 10 Years Younger, which is my least favorite, it's someone who has let themselves go - in one way or another, or lots of ways - and needs something to help them look more their age. It's often people who have just gone through a divorce and the resulting feelings of failure and depression, or someone who has spent 20 years taking care of her family and has given no thought to her own appearance. They take the person (usually a woman) through all of these steps to make her look "10 years younger": porcelain veneers for her teeth, facials and botox for her wrinkles, hairstylists and makeup artists to redo her look, and a wardrobe consultant to put her in clothes that make her look spunky and more her age. After a week, they put her back in the glass box (literally) she started in to have the public eyeball her and decide how old she looks, which will - hopefully - be 10 years younger than they thought she looked a week earlier. In What Not To Wear, they take someone with little or no fashion conscious and completely trash their old wardrobe....literally throwing every article of previously worn clothing into a trash bin for donation to a worthy cause. One week and $5000 later, they've "created" this whole new person, with a new look and greater confidence than they had at the beginning. New clothes that better fit their style and body, new hairstyle and makeup tips, and on and on. Family members, coworkers, friends, etc. are all thrilled, screaming and raving at the end of both shows.

And here's what I think. That's all so superficial, and they might be doing more harm than good. Sure, the person ON the show comes out of it happy after a week, with all new designer clothes and hairstyles and all, but what happens later? What have they essentially taught them over the course of their training? That appearance is ridiculously important. (I added the "ridiculously" part.) Sure, they tell them things like, "potential employers need something impressive to build a first impressive on," and, "you're going to feel so much more confident," and, "NOW you look like a professional!" but still. The person comes away with this feeling, I imagine, that says, "If I look like poo, that's what I'm worth." Even if it doesn't come out during their post-makeover celebration or over the next few weeks while they try out all of their great new outfits, I think that's the message that will, eventually, come out.

And for the viewers at home? As for myself, I've learned just what I said above: "Appearance is everything, and looking bad (like poo) makes you poo and people are laughing at you." All right, fine. So there might be something to making a good impression and all, but it's NOT EVERYTHING. PLUS, who has $5000 to start over and make themselves look like a new person? I'd like to see a show that says, "You're broke? One a crazy low budget? Here's how to redo your look. Here's what K-Mart can do for you!" Not to mention, there's that little thing lingering under the surface that never really gets addressed: SELF ESTEEM. They come into the show feeling bad, because people are telling them they look bad (that would make anyone feel like poo) and then, magically, just because they look "better," they're supposed to feel better. Insecurities? Gone. Feelings of inadequacy? Gone. Come on, people! Call me cynical, but I don't think so.

I watch the shows, go take my shower, and try to get dressed.....only to hear the voices of the shows' hosts in my head. "What are you thinking?" they say. "You're 25! You shouldn't dress like that! What do you think people think when they look at you?" As a result, I feel like....you guessed it.....poo. None of my clothes are designer (unless Target is actually designer) and I doubt they fit me as the stylists would say they should. I get anxious, scared, and nervous as heck to go anywhere, because I'm afraid of what someone would say. A self-confident person wouldn't care, but me? I think we all know that self-confidence has never been a strong point, and now TV tells me that maybe I SHOULDN'T be confident. Because LOOK AT ME! I'm a mess!

You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see a show that accepts people just as they are, and puts them through something of a self-esteem boot camp. This is why you're wonderful, and this is why we want you to feel wonderful. You're beautiful. Your clothes are outside, and your heart is inside. You're a good person, and we're going to prove it to you. Take a week or so to do nothing but boost up their self esteem. Nothing superficial at all. Teach normal people to feel good about their normal lives and their normal appearances. There are, after all, more people who can't go on those spectacular makeover shows than those that can go on them, and the rest of us need something to help us stop feeling like poo.