You may never believe this...........

...........but I'm actually at work today. Shocking, I know! It's been.....way too long, actually, and it feels good to be back. Truth be told, I only got here this afternoon, because I freaked myself out about at the idea of coming even though I knew I wanted to. I think it's best to ease into it, anyway. I have to say I'm kinda proud of myself for making it happen. Unlike the past several months, I've been teaching myself to think more positively. I envisioned how I would have felt tonight had I not gone to work, and then thought how I would feel if I made it there, and decided I'd much rather have something to feel proud of than something else to beat myself up over. Plus, I have a session with my counselor at 6 this evening, and I kept thinking how I'd LOVE to go and say to her, "Guess what I did today?" I've been reading that new book called "The Secret," that talks about thinking positive thoughts as a way of creating the life that you want for yourself, and I'm realizing that there's some truth to that. I'm still not sure how Biblically applicable the book is, because it does teach a considerable amount of self-reliance and about how "the Universe" is giving me everything that happens in my life, but I do think that there is some truth to it. Think good thoughts, and you'll feel good. Feeling good allows good things to happen. True that. So anyways, I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and with Scott's help - leaving me notes in the morning that say things like "keep your energy on positive things" - I'm making some considerable progress. Like Becca said, I can essentially choose to feel awful, or I can decide in the morning when I get up that I'm going to feel good and I'm going to have a good day. It makes me wonder, actually, how much of my problem has been a biochemical one (requiring medication to treat it) and how much has simply been that I needed to change my thought patterns. I kinda think my chemical imbalances in my mind needed to be sorted out before I would be able to think positively and realistically and rationally, but whichever the case is, I'm happy to say that I am feeling better. I have been for a few days now, which leads me to believe that I might be on to something. What is it about my nature that refuses to believe the solution could be that easy? As long as I can remember, my dad has told me that when you wake up in the morning, you have the basic decision to make as to whether you're going to feel good and have a good day, or are going to be miserable. I knew that, and I've heard that for years and years, but in my mind, this just had to be more complicated than that. I analyzed it to death, over and over and over again, and what's the result? I needed to decide to get better. True, I needed some medication to help me get to this point, so it was more complicated than simply deciding to feel better, but still. (If it were that simple, I'd definitely have been better a LONG time ago, because I've been sick and tired or this for quite some time.) I don't mean to imply that there will never be depressing blog posts again, but there are going to be fewer. I am resolved to that. I'm going to get better. (And in case you're wondering, there really isn't much for me to do today, or at least right now, because the main thing my supervisor wanted me to work on today is only accessible on the one computer in the office that has Publisher.....which is currently in use by someone else. Ah, the joys of working in non-profits. So despite what it may look like, I have come back to work to actually do some work.....not just to play around on the internet. Though the internet is fun, too.)