Aunque Corras, Escondas, No Puedes Escapar

I need an escape. I need to get out. I'm bogged down in the mundane, I think, and need a serious change of scenery. This could just be today talking - which, thus far, has not been a particularly good day. No reason to be bad, really, as it is gorgeous outside and the weekend is coming, which brings with it a visit with my grandmother and a short jaunt out of town. I feel so yuck, though. The same kind of yuck as comes with PMS, though that's not what it is. Had a panic attack this morning, getting ready for work, and haven't quite recovered from that. I'm still kinda shaken....and work is hectic today (though you wouldn't know it, since I'm blogging from my desk) with grant applications that won't go through by fax, other grant applications that need information that our corporate office can't seem to get for me, unexpected visits from church reps who need materials that I may or may not have, bounced checks (not mine, but work ones, which are actually worse), and on and on..... Do you know the feeling I'm talking about? I look around me and think, instead of "Wow I love my job and my life and yay the weekend is coming and life is good" as I have been lately, I'm thinking, "This AGAIN? I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Stress and anxiety and lots of pressure are bringing me to a point that I don't think I like...a point at which I fear I might break....a point at which I feel like there may be no turning back from once I'm headed there. I need a sabbatical. I need an excursion from the ordinary. I need to do something weird and unusual and exhilarating. This is the kind of day when it's really tempting to tell everyone here that I'm leaving, going away for a few days, and will be back a different person. It's the kind of day that makes Pennsylvania seem more tempting and appealing than normal. Where does this feeling come from? Even as I type that question, I am thinking of the two answers that always come to mind. 1)God. He tells me I need a Sabbath, and I haven't done that in a while. No resting. No breathing. No inhaling, as I think only Becca will understand, and lots of exhaling. I need that. God knows I need that. 2)The enemy. When I panic and get myself all in a tizzy, as my mom calls it, I'm of no use to anyone, especially to myself. I can't work, I can't think.... He knows that and likes to get me to this place. I always think that it'd be better to take some mental health time, like my friend Vickie always tells me, than to push myself to a point of breaking and cowering in a corner, but how can I do that when my boss is on vacation and everyone here needs me to do this and that and the other thing? I don't know how to step back and say, "Listen. I'm struggling. I need a break. I need a day off. I'll be back later, and I'll be able to handle all of these things you need from me then." Somehow that's not so okay in the working world - even in a Christian working environment. But I need it, so badly, and I have to figure out a way. I feel like I'll snap pretty soon. And like I said, this could just be today. This could just be my mood. It could pass. It might be completely better tomorrow, with or without a break. But then again, it might not. (The title, by the way, is from an Enrique Inglesias song on a CD I got in Spain. I always liked that line.)

Just Breathe

Are you ever so invigorated by church that you don't want to leave? That happened to me yesterday and I truly did not want the service to be over. For the first time in a long time, I really got into worship - I felt the Lord's presence there with me and I just wanted to sing my heart out to Him. It was one of those services that spoke to me, you know, more than others and that reminded me what this whole "Christian" thing is about. Ironically, the sermon was entitled "God, why can't I feel your presence?" The main point was that we don't feel God's presence because we don't stop long enough to feel Him. We give and give and go and go and never slow down, when all He wants from us is to slow down and spend a little time with Him, and while it won't happen the first time we spend time with Him, collectively, over time, we'll come to know what it means to be in His presence and to really feel Him there with us. He kept saying how we have a spiritual life rhythm, and that our spiritual lives have a rhythm very much like a heartbeat or our breathing. His thought was that when we spend our lives going and going and giving and doing, we're breathing out - exhaling. We never take time to breathe in....which spiritually kills us. We have to breathe Him in. We have to fill ourselves back up and we have to give ourselves the opportunity to feel His presence. It all just really spoke to me, because I know I'm so horribly guilty of that and I don't slow down and every time I sit down to have quiet time and really spend some quality time with God I get distracted or sleepy and it never happens. Why does it have to be that way? Why can't I make it happen? It's not that I don't want to or don't think it's important, but it's just that I guess I don't think it's important ENOUGH or I would do it. I feel like I need to be held accountable for this....but if I lie to myself about how I'm doing in my spiritual life I know I'll lie to someone else.... I'm such a fake sometimes! I heard that Michael W. Smith song on the radio where he says, "This is the air I breathe....Your holy presence, living in me..." and I just stopped in the middle of getting ready for work to think about what He was saying. I want to be there. I want it. And you know what? My tendency when I start thinking like this is always to go to one of the Christian bookstores and find me a new devotional book or something else to read or some other workbook, like I think that's going to magically make it happen. I know it won't, and what I need is more JESUS...not more busy work to do to get me to him. I need Him, plain and simple. No fluff, no distractions, nothing to make it more complicated than it is..... Just the basics of a relationship with Jesus.

Friends Rock

I'm realizing more and more that isolation is a tool of the enemy to get us right where he wants us. In my darkest times, I've been convinced that I don't need anyone, and I act on that belief - shutting myself into a hole, not returning anyone's calls, not emailing anyone, etc. For one thing, I didn't want to burden anyone with my junk, but I didn't think I needed them to help me get through it in the first place. Lately, though, it's becoming so crystal clear to me that God defiitely created us not only for a relationship with Him, but for relationships with each other.
Here's the thing. I've had this....shall we say....struggle on my mind for awhile, and since it's not really for everyone to know I'll spare the details here. I hate this thorn in my flesh, and because it makes me feel so awful, I don't like to tell people about it. I hate the way that they might think of me if they knew, and I hate tearing down all pride and just putting something so ugly out there. That's pretty much the nature of sin, I think, and any weapons of the enemy. But when I get brave - when I get really brave - I can actually tell someone about it. I had lunch with a really good friend of mine yesterday, and it was so, so good. I had no intention of talking to her about this particular problem over lunch, because I didn't think it was really appropriate and I didn't want to bring it up (out of sight, out of mind, you know). As we were finishing, though, she said, as she always does, "How can I pray for you?" Then, in that moment, I literally slumped down in the booth at Village Deli and covered my face, because 1)I can NEVER lie to Vickie, and 2)there was this voice in my head screaming, "TELL HER!" So I did. Actually, she guessed the nature of it and I didn't have to say the word, but then I actually started elaborating on it because all of a sudden I felt that rush of relief that comes with getting a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was incredible, and she told me someone else I should talk to about this problem because she deals with it, too.... I've felt so encouraged and so uplifted since then, and though I know I'm a LONG way from being healed of this aggravating nuisance of a problem, I feel hopeful that as long as I remember it's not necessarily something to be ashamed of, I can beat it. So that's my point: that God wants us to talk to other Christians about what we're going through so that they can encourage us and hold us accountable and get us through it, but Satan wants us to hold it in, because as James says, sins and things like that grow really well when they're kept in the dark and can't survive when they come into the light. And this is my other point: friends rock.

Something About A Storm

I open my eyes to a new day.
The possibilities are endless, but the sky is dark.
Gray clouds in the distance as another storm rolls in.
Yesterday, the world was sunny.
Bright. Optimistic.
With the sun my memories of the last storm seem to fade. What was it like?
Violent. Out of control. Scary.
I see the clouds moving, feel the wind blowing, and hold out my hand to prove the first heavy drops of rain.
The next storm begins today.
And the day will go on.

I could change my plans. I could just stay inside.
I could hide, unwilling to face it and fearing the worst.
Afraid of the darkness.
I could curl up here, alone, weak, and scared, excluding myself from the day.
One storm could kill me and make me disappear.
I could hide.
I could be afraid.

But God, I remember something about a storm.
How You'd be here with me when thigns look dark and scary.
How You'll never leave of hurt me.
How there's always a reason and a plan, and
How if I'll let You, You'll change me and carry me and make it okay.
That's Your promise, Lord...but I can't see You and the darkness is real.
So is my choice: listen to You, or hide?

Or I could brace myself, dressing for the weather.
Grab my raincoat, my umbrella, my rubber boots.
I could struggle and fight, unwilling to get wet.
Afraid of the water.
The drops are so cold and the thunder is so loud.
The winds is so strong and the lightning so bold.
I could fight it and run and resist the storm's power.
I could brace myself.
I could fight it.

But God, I remember something about a storm.
How You'd be here with me when things look dark and scary.
How You'll never leave me or hurt me.
How there's always a reason and a plan, and
How if I'll let You, You'll change me and carry me and make it okay.
That's Your promise, Lord...but I can't see You and the darkness is real.
So is my choice: listen to You, or fight?

Or here's an idea. This would be different.
Why hide from it? Why fight it?
The water is from above where alll good things are...
I could run headlong, full force, high speed.
At peace with the water and embracing the wind.
Laughing at the thunder and admiring the lightning.
Soaked through and through, somehow different outside and in.
The clouds are so dark, with a strange beauty, wonderful mystery.
So I could take off. Take the plunge.
Refuse to hide and refuse to be afraid.
No need to brace myself and no need to fight.
I could let it all happen.

Because God, I remember something about a storm.
So be here with me, because it's dark and scary.
You'll never leave me or hurt me.
Even this has a reason, a part of your plan, and
So I'll let You change me, carry me, make it all okay.
That's still Your promise, Lord, even though the darkness is real.
And that's my choice. I'll listen to You in the storm.
And as I open the door I think how there's something about a storm that makes me believe.

Amazing Jesus

I was reading in Matthew the other day about the story of Jesus and the man who wanted healing for his servant. I'd read the story dozens of times before, but one thing stood out to me this time. In the translation I was reading from, it actually said that Jesus was amazed at the man's faith, and then he healed the servant. The servant basically told Jesus that he knew who Jesus took his orders from, and he knew that when he told his servant to do something he'd do it, so he knew that Jesus could heal the servant. Jesus was so astounded by that man's faith because he hadn't seen anyone else who believed like that. That just got me thinking how amazingly cool it would be to have a faith that amazed Jesus. That's like a hundred times better even than the "good and faithful servant" accolade, isn't it? Like, to have Jesus look you in the eye and say, "Wow. Your faith just amazes me." I've told people that before, and I've even had other people say that to me, but somehow - just somehow - it would be so much more incredible to hear that from Jesus. Wow, you know? I want to be like that.

Stigmas

I'm struggling today. I don't think it's common knowledge out there that I'm on some different medications for depression and anxiety, despite - as the nurse told me at the doctor's office the other day - the fact that I'm only 25 and am "too young to be depressed." Let me assure you, I am NOT too young to be depressed. Anyhow, the doctor has done some changing around with my dosage, which has been great for my mood (much less irritable and generally thinking more rationally, which is always a good thing) but has made me SO SLEEPY I CAN HARDLY THINK STRAIGHT. The medication has made it hard to concentrate before, but he upped one dosage and told me to take half of the other one at night and the other half in the morning. Given those changes, I'm pretty much useless. I've even contemplated - prepare yourself - drinking some caffeine to get me in gear. Remember, now, that I have been decaf for like 9 years, since 10th grade. Yeah, that's how tired and groggy I am. I can't function like that! This morning, I've been at work for almost 2 hours already and I've done NOTHING productive. I'm supposed to help conduct a focus group for a low-income housing committee I'm on in like an hour, and I'm not sure how on earth I'm going to do that. Somehow I've got to get my brain in gear or I'm going to be sleeping and drooling all over myself during the focu group, which will probably not convince the real estate developers coming that they need to build low-income housing in the 30901 and 30903 ZIP codes, which is our basic purpose of the whole thing today. Maybe I can sit in the back and look like I'm in total agreement while Beth does all the talking. She and Sharon know more about this stuff anyway, but I don't want to be the tagalong committee member who comes to the event and sleeps with her eyes open.
Wow. That was rambling. See what I mean? My brain is not with it.
Anyhow, I do feel good, in spite of the grogginess.
My doctor wants me to go see a psychiatrist to help me deal with this anxiety and depression business. What do you think about that? Part of me says as a Christian, I should be able to get myself through this by leaning on God and letting Him take care of this for me, but on the other hand, I do believe that things like this are caused by a chemical imbalance and if medicine and counseling help, I should go for it. My pastor and his wife told me to go for it, when I talked to them last weekend, but I still feel funny. It's weird because I was going to go into counseling as my profession for awhile, so I was all about getting rid of the stigma that comes with mental health issues and making people aware that there is nothing wrong with having one of those problems and that it actually takes strength to reach out and get help. Now, though, being on the other side, I dread people finding out that this is going on with me and that I'm seeing a "shrink." It could be a cool testimony if I'd let it, I think, and if people's minds would be open to it, but I'm feeling more like people wouldn't understand and would judge me. (The "people" I'm talking about are mostly the people at my church, who most of the time make me feel like I have to be perfect.) It's hard. Counseling will b good, I know, because I did that in college, but I think it's the combination of seeing a psychiatrist and being on medication and all..... I want to get better, I know that much. And if this will work, I'm going to go for it. I think I need to stop worrying so much about what someone else might think. I've known that my whole life.

Adrift in Life

Weird title, I know, but I'm having a day where I really wish I knew where I'm heading. I wish I had some grand dream that I've been pursuing all my life and that I'll continue to pursue until it's finally accomplished in some climactic moment of my life. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do with my life. I wish I had more of a sense of direction. I wish I knew that to tell people when they asked me what I'm going to do when my year of VISTA service is up. I want to know where I'm going and when I'm going to get there. I want to know what I'm meant for and where I'll find my ultimate occupational purpose for my life. I know there are just some things I'm not supposed to know - like what God is going to do with me, and why He does things how He does them - but I feel like there are some things I should know, because if I don't know those things I'm just floating along letting life happen to me instead of steering it where it's supposed to be going. I trust God to take me where He wants me to be, but I think I'm so afraid of waking up one morning and realizing that I'm like 45 and still having no more sense of purpose than I have today. The psychologist who works in our office here at AUM was talking to me today about his job adn what he likes and what he doesn't, and I told him I almost went in that direction with my life. He asked me why I didn't, and the only answer I had for him was that I got intimidated by all of the school, which is partly true but partly not. I tried it a little.....two semesters of seminary for Pastoral Counseling.....but when I hated my counseling class, I thought that might be a sign that maybe I'm not meant for that. If I can't picture myself doing something, I somehow don't think that's where God made me to be....but I can't picture myself anywhere. I've never been much of a visionary, so I can't imagine things until they happen, and it's not much of an imagination that can picture something that's right in front of your face. My boss yesterday did ask me a hypothetical question about whether or not I would consider taking a job we might have an opening for if it comes open, and while that sounds wonderful, I can't help but think that would be another job I'm in for like a year and then I get bored, feeling like there's more out there for me, and then I move on. I feel so lost sometimes, you know? There has to be somewhere for me. Just about everyone I know has had some sort of a dream or career aspiration all their lives, or even if they haven't been going for a career aspiration their whole life, they've found something that's perfect for them now and they love it --- like my sister being a pastry chef. That's just a given, but I have no idea what it would take for me to be doing something to where someone would say, "Well, of course Jess is doing that! That's perfect for her!" From where I'm standing (well, sitting) right now, I feel like my life is going to be composed of a zillion "in the meantime" jobs that I do for no more than a year or so before moving on to the next things to fill my time. I know my job doesn't determine who I am or anything like that, but I'd just like to know where I'm supposed to be. All of my friends have gone on to grad school, and being one who pushes myself in everything I do, I feel like I've sold myself short by not going. Have I? My parents think so, and every time I talk about my job or anything even remotely related to that I feel like my dad is giving me this look of sheer and utter disappointment, like I had such potential but am simply not living up to it. Is it too late to find that? Part of me feels like I can't go back, and another part of me feels like I wouldn't retrace my steps even if I could, just because it would take so much work and I feel like it'd be impossible to create a goal or an ambition for myself at this point. I know it sounds like I think I'm way too old to do this, but I feel so adrift I don't know where I'm going. I feel lost. Adrift. That's the best word I can ue for it. Adrift, tossed to and fro on the waves.

Incredible

Ever since Scott was hit by the lightning the other night (you've all probably heard about that, I think) I've been just thinking so much and wondering what the message is that we're supposed to get from this. The miracle is that he's doing fine - he went to work yesterday and again today - and besides feeling sore and tired, he's perfectly okay. His heart was okay when they did the tests on him, his breathing is fine, his burn on his arm is gone..... He has a little spot on his shoulder where the hair was burned off. It's just so amazing, you know? It wasn't a direct hit - it hit the doorframe he was leaning on - bit it's amazing, nonetheless. That my husband came face to face with that kind of power....that kind of unbridled force straight from nature.... It really scared me. I'm still pretty shaken up, and every time I tell someone about it and see their reaction I realize all over again how serious that could have been. I look at him and just think how I could have lost him. Night before last (the night that it happened) I hardly slept at all, dreaming about it and waking up and constantly checking to make sure he was there and okay. It was like a weird, horrible dream.... We were praying together the night it happened, after we got home from the hospital (at like 2 in the morning) and we were both just crying and could hardly get any words out. Why did it happen? And why is he okay? We're eternally grateful, of course, but it doesn't make sense if you don't believe that God was watching over him. In any logical, practical, worldly way of thinking, it should have been so much worse. When we think about how God was holding him in His hand at that moment, it makes better sense. God took care of him, and God made sure he would be okay. It's just amazing. It really is. I wasn't there when it happened - on one hand, I'm grateful for that, because I don't know how well I would have handled seeing something like that. On the other hand, though, I wish I had been there with him. He wasn't alone - he was with a good friend - but still....there's a part of me that thinks I should be there with him whenever he's going through anything like that. Last night he fell asleep with his head in my lap, and even though my leg fell asleep and I wasn't comfortable, I didn't move because I didn't want to wake him and I just watched him sleep and cherished that sweet moment. I could have lost him, and that makes me treasure the time I get with him more. If that's what I was supposed to get from this - to never, ever take him for granted - then I have to hold on to this feeling. If anything had happened to him, I don't know what I would have done.