Adrift in Life

Weird title, I know, but I'm having a day where I really wish I knew where I'm heading. I wish I had some grand dream that I've been pursuing all my life and that I'll continue to pursue until it's finally accomplished in some climactic moment of my life. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do with my life. I wish I had more of a sense of direction. I wish I knew that to tell people when they asked me what I'm going to do when my year of VISTA service is up. I want to know where I'm going and when I'm going to get there. I want to know what I'm meant for and where I'll find my ultimate occupational purpose for my life. I know there are just some things I'm not supposed to know - like what God is going to do with me, and why He does things how He does them - but I feel like there are some things I should know, because if I don't know those things I'm just floating along letting life happen to me instead of steering it where it's supposed to be going. I trust God to take me where He wants me to be, but I think I'm so afraid of waking up one morning and realizing that I'm like 45 and still having no more sense of purpose than I have today. The psychologist who works in our office here at AUM was talking to me today about his job adn what he likes and what he doesn't, and I told him I almost went in that direction with my life. He asked me why I didn't, and the only answer I had for him was that I got intimidated by all of the school, which is partly true but partly not. I tried it a little.....two semesters of seminary for Pastoral Counseling.....but when I hated my counseling class, I thought that might be a sign that maybe I'm not meant for that. If I can't picture myself doing something, I somehow don't think that's where God made me to be....but I can't picture myself anywhere. I've never been much of a visionary, so I can't imagine things until they happen, and it's not much of an imagination that can picture something that's right in front of your face. My boss yesterday did ask me a hypothetical question about whether or not I would consider taking a job we might have an opening for if it comes open, and while that sounds wonderful, I can't help but think that would be another job I'm in for like a year and then I get bored, feeling like there's more out there for me, and then I move on. I feel so lost sometimes, you know? There has to be somewhere for me. Just about everyone I know has had some sort of a dream or career aspiration all their lives, or even if they haven't been going for a career aspiration their whole life, they've found something that's perfect for them now and they love it --- like my sister being a pastry chef. That's just a given, but I have no idea what it would take for me to be doing something to where someone would say, "Well, of course Jess is doing that! That's perfect for her!" From where I'm standing (well, sitting) right now, I feel like my life is going to be composed of a zillion "in the meantime" jobs that I do for no more than a year or so before moving on to the next things to fill my time. I know my job doesn't determine who I am or anything like that, but I'd just like to know where I'm supposed to be. All of my friends have gone on to grad school, and being one who pushes myself in everything I do, I feel like I've sold myself short by not going. Have I? My parents think so, and every time I talk about my job or anything even remotely related to that I feel like my dad is giving me this look of sheer and utter disappointment, like I had such potential but am simply not living up to it. Is it too late to find that? Part of me feels like I can't go back, and another part of me feels like I wouldn't retrace my steps even if I could, just because it would take so much work and I feel like it'd be impossible to create a goal or an ambition for myself at this point. I know it sounds like I think I'm way too old to do this, but I feel so adrift I don't know where I'm going. I feel lost. Adrift. That's the best word I can ue for it. Adrift, tossed to and fro on the waves.