Preparing the Fields for Rain

I've recently been seeing a lot of girls my own age who are doing different things. Getting their Masters, having babies, and on and on. There are even girls younger than me who are doing those things. There must be something in the water at my church, because there are more babies and pregnant women there than I've ever seen anywhere in my life that isn't in a hospital. Anyway, lots of that is going around, and there's a lot of other things I see in other people that I could be doing. I see those things and I want them. I want them, to the point of actually getting sad when I hear about steps other people are taking in their lives. At the risk of sounding like a mean, bitter, and horrible person, I AM happy for them - I really am - but I immediately start thinking that whatever they have found is right for them is maybe what's right for me, and that the path I'm on is wrong for me and I should head more in their direction. I've always been like that. I think I've always had just enough insecurity to look at other people and see people who have what I want and who are who I should be rather than seeing distinctive individuals and appreciating the differences between us. Clothes, hair, talents, careers, families, and on and on. It's an ongoing thing for me. I realized some of this tonight, and I talked a lot to Scott about it. Right now, where I am, with no job and no clue where I'm going - being completely adrift and pretty confused about where I'm going - I think I'm pretty susceptible to it. I know some things that I want in my life. I want a family. I want to be a mom so badly! I also want to go back to school. I want to go further in my education so that I can get that career I've always dreamed of having. I want to have a job I want to get up and go to every morning. I know that I want those things. The thing is, though, that I can't accept that the timing God has for other people's lives is not the same timing He has for me. I have a bad habit of seeing what other people have, imagining those things in place in my life, and convincing myself that's the way it's supposed to be. I feel like things aren't quite right unless I have those things, and I get so sad and confused. It's so hard to say, "God, I know You have a plan and a place for me in this big world, and I know You'll get me there. I know You will, and I trust You." Why is that?

So anyways, through my conversation with Scott tonight, I got some direction. Actually, I prayed all the way home from Bible study tonight, and talked to Scott immediately afterwards, so I think it was a combination of the two, for sure. Anyhow, Scott convinced me that I'm okay. He told me what I already know - that my life has a different pace from other people's and that that's okay. I knew that already, but still. So what I decided was that I need to prepare the fields for rain. I got that from the movie "Facing the Giants." If you haven't seen it, you should. It's very good. Anyway, one of the characters is dealing with a lot of crises at one time in his life, and someone tells him this great story about two farmers. He says that there were two farmers who desperately needed rain. They both prayed for rain, but responded afterward completely differently. One sat inside, feeling bad for himself and wishing it would rain, knowing that his entire livelihood depended on rain. The other guy went out and tilled and land, preparing it for the day that it would rain. The point is that only one of them really believed that God would take care of him and would meet his needs.

So my whole thing from tonight is that I need to apply more of my energy to getting better and stop feeling bad for myself. By definition, that's what depression is (feeling bad for oneself) but it doesn't have to be that way. By staying in this stagnant and unproductive position, I'm kind of saying that I don't think God can or will bring me to a better place in my life. I'm not applying any of my own energy to healing, and am still expecting Him to perform miracles. I've heard it said that while all things are possible with God, He won't do everything for us. We have to do what we cna, and He will pick up where it becomes impossible for us.

And that's where I am tonight. Realizing that I've been kind of complacently accepting this desolate pit of depression, and wanting so desperately to be content with my life. The two don't go together whatsoever, and I have to get up off my duff and do something. My own actions show my trust in God. My actions - however weak - will allow His strength to be perfected in me. And that's what I want. So tomorrow, I'm updating my resume and filling out an application Scott picked up for me. I'm preparing the fields for rain.