Perfectionism vs Comparativism

Why does everything have to be so complicated? It's so hard.... Get one thing right, fail miserably at something else. Sometimes I want to build a huge wall around my heart, blocking anything and everything from getting in. It's just that it's the people and the things that are closest to my heart that have such easy access to hurt it. Vulnerability is a scary thing, and the more intimate you are with people - whatever form that intimacy may take - the more vulnerable you are. It's automatic and scary.

I think one thing that makes it so hard for me is that I'm such a perfectionist, and I'm a comparativist (i.e. I compare me and my life to everything I see around me - I know that's not a real word), and those two things do not go well together. See, things with other people tend to look so perfect, and that only leads to the expectation of things being perfect in my own life - which, of course, they won't be, and in reality things in other people's lives aren't perfect either. The perfectionist doesn't see that, though. The perfectionist sees perfection and expects no less of herself. So when her job or her relationships or her appearance or her whatever don't look every bit as perfect as everyone else's, then what? Calamity. Complete and total calamity.

And that's what leads me here tonight. The feeling of failure that follows so naturally from impossibly high expectations of myself, and the feeling of dread of failing yet again. Realistically, of course, I know I can't be perfect, and I know that I can't do everything just right. I know that I am flawed and will forever be flawed until I am perfected in Christ, and I know it's not a logical thing to expect so much from myself. I know that, but am having to relearn that every single day and learn how to accept defeat and those inevitable falls with more grace.

I know this is vague. Sometimes it's better that way.