Chasing Someone Else's Dream

Anyone who knows me or has read very many of my posts knows that I have yet to find my place in the world. The Michael W. Smith song describes me so well - this becoming is harder than it seems.....roaming through the night to find my place in this world - and I relate well to anyone or anything that represents someone feeling lost or wandering in this huge world and this rambling life we find ourselves in. I think, perhaps, that is why I call this blog "Adjusting to the World," because I feel so often like I don't belong here and am trying to figure out what the Lord would have me do for Him while I'm here. I'm still adjusting to this adult life I'm in. I haven't yet figured out what that means, and to this point, adulthood to me has been only an extension of the adolescent feelings of confusion and being lost.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

Recently, especially, I've been trying to figure out what my next step is. I'm 25 years old, and I see everyone (well, it seems like everyone) around me already set in their careers and families and knowing (seemingly) what their life is about. All of my friends my age,just about, have received their Masters degrees or are well on their way, everyone is trying to start families..... Me? I'm unemployed, with no real direction, and a nood disorder that keeps me from feeling like I have any business doing anything big in the world. What is my place? What am I supposed to do? I know there is a plan for me, and I know there's some place for me to feel useful and happy and to actually make enough money to be able to make a considerable contribution to my family. I know God has that kind of plan for me....somewhere. It's just been hard to figure out what it is, how I get there, and to be patient while God prepares me for that plan. Being unemployed, this has seemed like a pivotal point in my life, and I've felt like through my recovering from this depression I've been so bogged down in and needing to find my next step, God has really been working in and on me.

So anyway, about a month ago, Scott and I went to eat at Krystal after church. Now, mind you, we have never eaten there together in all the time we've been together. We've never even talked about going there. It was completely random. We get up from the table and are going back to our car when this guy stops us and starts talking to us about Scott's shirt. It had something to do with wrestling (Scott used to be really into that, and apparently this guy is, too). They start talking about that, and then the guy kinda introduces himself and his family and asks us what we do. While this all seems really weird, we tell him, and he gives us his card. He says he and his family are working on starting this business and if we're interested in knowing more about it, we can call him. Well, his card just said his name and underneath it, "Leadership Team Development." Scott and I were both like, "What the heck does that mean?" We couldn't figure out what it meant, stuck the card in one of the little pockets in my car, and didn't really give it another thought. Random people talk to us all the time, so we didn't think this was any different from any of those encounters.

Well, the guy calls Scott at work the next day and is like, "Hey, did you think anymore about what we talked about?" Scott's like, "Huh? Um.....no." Scott, being tactful yet firm, asks the guy what he wants from us and what his deal is. He finds out from the guy that he works to try to help young couples make more money so that they can go into the mission field sooner. Scott also finds out that the business is Christian-based, and comes home to talk to me about it. The guy - Tom - wants to meet with us to see if we're interested. We're torn. On one hand, it all seems really sketchy. Random man at Krystal gives us his card......he starts pursuing Scott at work.....really vague about what he's talking about....."Leadership Team Development".......what the heck is that??? On the other hand, though, Scott and I have been praying about where God is going to take us, and how God is going to provide for us with me not having a job and wanting to go back to school and all. As I told Scott, I don't want to be like that parable about the man who's stuck on his rood in a flood and keeps praying for help, only to ignore every boat that comes by to help him because he's convinced God is going to save him in some miraculous way. We think it over for several days, and Scott calls Tom back and sets up an appointment. Tom wants to meet at our house - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN - but we agree to meet him at Panera to talk. We show up with our apprehensive faces and skeptical minds in full gear. Tom goes on and on about the money we can make and how great this whole system can be for us and all....but won't tell us what we have to do. I kinda started getting mad, because Scott (who was in charge of doing all of the talking) kept on asking him what we had to do and how it all worked, but he never would answer him. He kept saying, "I'm glad you asked that," and stuff like that, but he never said anything resembling an answer. Very vague and, yes, sketchy. He then tells us that if we want to know more, we have to come to ANOTHER meeting in a week. We're still skeptical, but still feeling like this might be our boat from God, we say we'll be there. We agree not to commit to anything and NOT to sign or fill anything out, but we'll go.

So we do. This was last Tuesday night. He was making me miss American Idol, so I was irritated twice over. I told Scott I was going to have my mean game face on, because I did not want to be there, and no matter what they said, they were going to have to sell themselves to me because I had nothing to prove. As it turns out, though, I'm too nice, and as soon as we walked in I was all happy and smiley. Scott was like, "Um, you're not looking very mean....." It was funny, and they sat us right on the front row of this big meeting room and we were cutting up the whole time..... Basically, this whole "Leadership Team Development" thing is a pyramid business model, where Tom recruits us to use this website to buy stuff, then we get money for buying stuff and Tom gets some, too. Then we recruit people to do the same thing, and we get some of what they spend, some of what we're spending, and Tom gets some of both. It's weird to me, but Scott said it's a legitimate business model (he's the business minded one - he has a degree in it, after all) and it works well. I was like, "Well, if you say so."

So we talked about it on the way home. We agreed that we weren't as leery of it as we had been beforehand, but that we still didn't know. We had taken some material from Tom to read over and get back with him in a few days, and we really sitting on the fence as far as whether or not to pursue this. We were talking on the way home, and Scott said something about how if we did this, got all of this extra income and enabled me to stay home instead of working because we simply had the means to do so, I might not need to get my Masters. Then he asked me the million dollar question: "Is it your dream to go back to school?" I sat in stunned silence, wondering how he had known that I had been pondering that same question for the past several days already. I didn't know what to say, so I just told him I didn't know. Then I got into one of my monologues.....

I've always thought I'd go back to school. My dad has always acted like I'm the one he expected to go to graduate school, and I've always felt this subtle pressure from him to do it. He never did and has always told me that he wished he had, and I've kinda felt like he wanted me to so that I wouldn't regret it later. You know how for many of us in high school there was no question about whether or not we'd go to college? That's how I've always felt about grad school, just because Dad thought it was such a grat idea. The difference, though, is that Dad knew what he'd get his degree in if he went back. He majored in psychology, so it would have flowed naturally from that. I, on the other hand, have never had any strong pull toward any particular career. I changed my mind on my major nearly a dozen times, and regret the one I finally chose. I started grad school on one path and decided two semesters into it that I was off track. I have been thinking of another grad school path, and honestly wasn't sure if I was really all that into it, or if I was convincing myself that I was. Everyone around me seems so put together. They all seem to know what's going on, and it honestly just sounds better to say - when asked what I'm going to do now that I'm no longer at AUM - "I want to go back to school and get my masters, so I'm looking for something that will work with that." That sounds a heck of a lot better than, "Beats me!"

The truth is, though, that I don't think I do want to go back to school. I don't think I do. I feel, truthfully, like I'm a greyhound in a race, constantly chasing that stupid bunny. It keeps getting further and further away from me, and I keep running after it. I feel like this dream I'm chasing - of a major career and more degrees than a thermometer and big money and professional success - isn't mine. Sure, there is appeal in it. Money's nice, and the feeling of accomplishment is nice, but if it isn't my heart's desire, it's going to leave me empty. Who's to say that I won't get that degree and then feel unsatisfied, like someone is expecting something else from me? Who's to say that I'll finally feel like my parents are completely and utterly proud of me when I get that far? I have no way of knowing that, and I've just come to realize in the past week or so that in continually telling myself I'm going back to school, I'm only trying to make myself feel better. I'm putting on something that looks better so that certain people will be proud of me, even though that's not what I want. I've been lying to myself. I've been chasing someone else's dream. I don't want to go back to school! I'm not going back to school! It feels so liberating to say that and mean it. I'm okay with that decision, because it shows that I am content with who I am and what I've already done for myself. I'm okay with that because it shows me that I'm okay right where I am, and I don't have to keep striving to become something that I may or not be meant to be. I'm not going back to school.

What do I want? I want to work in a hospital. I want to have contact with patients and their families. I want to translate what I can and do what I can to help people who need me. I want that now, and I want a family. I want to be a mom. I don't want to go back to school, I don't want some bigshot career, and I don't want to do something called Leadership Team Development, because that plays along with someone else's dream for my life. It doesn't fit me and my husband and who we are.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

"Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with men is possible with God.'" (Luke 18:27)

"Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." (Habakkuk 1:5)

Joyce Meyer taught me that while the things that are impossible for me are possible for God, God won't necessarily do for me what I can easily do myself. And, as I wrote before, I know that I have to prepare my fields for rain before God will answer my prayers. My sister offered me a job in the bakery where she works. She said the hours would be flexible, I could go when I wanted and not go when I didn't want to, there would be little contact with other people besides her....and I'm turning it down. If I want to get better, I have to avoid things that give me excuses to stay down. I can't let myself take the easy road. I have to stay strong and do things that seem hard, because only in doing that am I leaning on God and believing that He is stronger than I am. I believe that God will deliver me from this mess I've been living in. I believe that He does not want me to live anything less than an abundant life, and He does not want me to live out the plan for anyone's life but my own. I believe that He wants good things for me, He hears my cries and knows the desires of my heart, and wants to bless me beyond my wildest imagination. Laying in bed and thinking that, though, doesn't show faith. That doesn't glorify Him, and that is NOT His plan for me. Jesus did not die so that I could lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. He didn't die and conquer the grave so that I could live a mediocre life and constantly feel like I'm not good enough. He didn't give me a new life so I could life someone else's dream for me. I have a life, I have my own dreams, and I have a purpose and a plan and a God who wants to make them happen for me. He is a Wonderful God!

"So, Jess....what'd you do today?"

Today, I printed my resume (5 copies) and headed downtown this morning to the Medical College of Georgia. It's the biggest hospital system in our area, and I figured it was a good place to start. I left copies of my resume all over the place down there, had an interview with the director of liguistic and cultural services for a medical interpretor position, and have some good leads on 4 or 5 other positions open throughout the hospital. God lit a fire under me, and I'm off and running.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and He heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust..." (Psalm 40: 1-4)