A couple of weeks ago, I had an increasingly familiar conversation with my neighbor. I stood under the big pine tree between our houses, holding Leah as she inspected the neighbor’s cat, when the question came.
“When are you and Scott going to have another one?”
Another baby, that is. Everyone wants to know when Leah’s little brothers and sisters are coming. Everyone wants to know when our family will grow from 3 to 4 or more. These questions aren’t new. From the day Scott and I were married, we’ve fielded questions about when the kids would come, and even while I was in the throes of labor with Leah, the nurses were curious as to when plans would be under way for child #2. No kidding.
I know everyone means well. I know that many of them are simply making small talk, because they don’t know me and feel like it’s an easy way to get conversation going. I know that even those who do know me are just wondering when they might be able to expect another little joy. I know that.
The thing is, though, that we honestly don’t want more children. We adore Leah. She is our pride and joy, and being her parents is more than we ever dreamed it would be. She is the perfect little girl for us, and we feel inexplicably blessed to have been chosen to be her parents. However, we are happy as a family of three, and don’t feel that we are meant to have a larger family.
We have been fruitful and we have multiplied. We don’t feel, though, that we should have more and more children if we cannot give them the lives that we want to be able to give them. It is important to us that I stay at home with Leah, and if we had more mouths to feed, it simply would not be possible for us to be a one income family. It is important to us that we be able to give her opportunities to try and experience things that interest her, and we would not be able to do that to the extent that we can now if there were two or three little ones, rather than just one. Our marriage is a priority to us, and we want to be able to dedicate as much time to our relationship as we do to Leah. That is best for her and for us, and honestly, we don’t feel like we would do a very good job at that if our time and energy were further stretched.
I realize this could sound judgmental on those who do have more children, or on mothers who work. That is not my intention at all. God has different calls for different people, and He places different people in different situations for different reasons. We really feel that our family is complete as a family of three. This is right for us, but not for everyone. I am not so closed-minded that I think that. I realize that different things are right for different people, and I think that’s wonderful. I love large families. I love the dynamic between siblings. What I don’t love, though, is the expectation from other people that what is right for them is right for everyone else. I respect our differences, and I wish others would, too.
As for my neighbor.... When I told her that we aren't planning on any more children, she said, "Oh....Leah, you're going to be so special." Not spoiled....but special. And she is, and I thanked my neighbor for saying that. She is special, and she is ours.
6 of your thoughts:
you get the comments about 'more' i get the comments about 'when are you going to be done'. everyone's choices are so different, yet sometimes no matter what choice we make we get 'those' looks. for me i want a ton of kids (obviously, lol) and for you, you want one. it doesn't make us any less of a mom to want one or three hundred. it just makes us a mom. i'm so glad that your neighbor met your choice with such positive words though! hope you have a great weekend.
No judgement coming from this way! I applaud you and your husband for thinking and praying about this. I see so many people having more and more kids almost as if it were a competition. When lives are at stake, this is NOT how it should be. It sounds to me as though you two have made a sound and perfectly fine decision :)
I understand and applaud you for your decision. When we were younger and people would see the three of you girls, people asked when we were going to have 'the boy'. Like we couldn't possibly be happy without a boy. Odds were against us, anyway. But we've been more than happy having our estrogen-loaded world.
My family always got the response Amanda made. My mom would call up her family so excited to tell them she was pregnant again and after awhile they started treating her like having so many kids was irresponsible. It was horrible, treating God's gifts like that.
People just need to keep their opinions to themselves if they're going to judge your family decisions.
but I just have to say, in defense of having more kids, that it doesn't have to be a threat to your marriage or your way of life. If God chooses to give you more kids, he will provide and Leah will be no less loved. God always provided for my family and we had no money--ever! We were well taken care of... though living from paycheck to paycheck was a great test of faith.
I can understand how you feel, though. At this moment, I can't imagine more room in my heart for anyone but Noelle. But then, I know that one day that will change. I just want a full house :-D
It is now too--now that there is only one child for us. But we still plan to have more. Coming from a big family myself I don't think I'll be happy until my household is full of little playmates for Noelle.
Okay... the end of that commetn doesn't make sense. I think I meant to delete it. I mean that having just one child is a test of faith now. I think I'd written that after what I wrote about my family's faith being tested from paycheck to paycheck. :-D
Good for you! I wish more people would listen to wisdom that way. I alwyas wanted a boy, then a girl & that's it (which is exactly what He blessed us with) but when Sis was a baby, I *thought* I wanted another. BD said - no. I was crushed! A few months later I was so glad he was the voice of reason & wisdom where I had been the voice of hormones. I can't even imagine having a third. They're precious, yes, but God has a certain plan for everyone and we should stick to it. He knows our limits and what will be the best for us more than we do.
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