Up and Down We Go....

....or at least, up and down I go, and I'm afraid I drag Scott and all of you along with me for the highs and lows. For what it's worth, thank you for being there. =)

It's been an interesting couple of days since I wrote last. My weekend was okay. Spent the day just hanging out with Scott on Saturday - ran some errands, had lunch with my parents, had a long sleepy nap on the couch. It was really nice, and Sunday morning I actually felt good. No panic, no stress....just anticipation of a great service at church and just worshiping the Lord and resting in Him for a little while since it's so hard for me to do that at home somehow. It was great, and afterwards Scott and I were supposed to go to the fair with my mom, sister, and brother in law. Well, it took forever to get everyone together to leave church. (I call it Smith inertia - as in, an object in motion stays in motion and an object at rest stays at rest. It takes my family forever to get going to do anything, but then good luck getting us to stop. It's a weird and frustrating phenomenon.) When I say forever, I really mean only like 45 minutes, but still - that's a long time. I was in the lobby area and there were still tons of people there and everyone was talking and crowded around and I needed to get out so I headed for the door for some fresh air and waited for everyone else outside. They finished up what they were doing and came out, and my mom said something about figuring out where we were going (to eat) so that we could get moving. I said, "Well, I'm going CRAZY." They looked at me funny, and I kinda flipped - I said I had to get out of there and needed to breathe and just couldn't stand being there anymore and that I could feel a panic attack starting. My sister and Mark (her husband - it's easier to write about people by name!) started going, "UhOh.....better back up. I think I'm going to get away from this...." and were walking backwards away from me and kinda laughing kinda...... Scott walked outside at that moment and I kinda rushed him - took my stuff from him because he had been holding it - and said "I NEED TO GO HOME." He was all confused, because he had been inside and knew nothing of the situation I was in, and chased me kinda out to my car, with me saying, "I want to go home. I just want to go home," the whole time and him saying, "Jess, can you just talk to me please?" over and over. We got to my car and I told him what Ashley and Mark had done....he got all mad because he said it wasn't my fault for getting upset at all because they are the people I go to and depend on for support and then they almost make fun of it and in any case, even if that's not what they intended, they were pretty careless in their treatment of me in that moment. We came home and I curled up in Scott's lap and cried for the longest time. The thing is, that was just so much worse than it seems. It would have hurt anyone, I think, for someone to be made fun of in that way, but it did me so much more. I've been working for the longest time now to get myself to a place where I can be real about this with people - where I don't feel like I have to hide it and can talk about it and get it out in the open and ask for prayer and really let people know what's going on and, basically, stay out of the stained glass masquerade. It's taken me so long, and I was doing so well with it. I told people at Bible study the other night and have been more open in how I talk about it....and then they do that and the message I hear, whether it's what they intended or not, was, "Don't talk to people about this. It's too private and personal and they're going to laugh because no one can understand because no one has this problem but you." Truly, knowing Ashley and Mark I know that's not what they intended. I know they were probably trying to lighten the mood and were probably trying to get me to smile....never having witnessed one of my attacks they probably didn't know what to do or how to handle it. I understand that. I just wish they had done something else. I wish their words had been more along the lines of, "What can we do to help you right now?" I know they meant well - I don't believe that they intended to send me away weeping and crying and to make me miss the trip to the fair that I had so been looking forward to and so needed..... I know that. And still, it hurt. I'm not mad. Just hurt, you know? And now I have to move forward again, because in that one moment, I moved backward, away from what I've been working toward for awhile. I felt bad, too, because that was the first time I had one of my panic attacks in public....I felt very vulnerable and a lot of people saw me....my pastor thought I was mad at Scott from the way I was kinda talking sternly and walking away from him. (Not away from him, but away from the situation.....) I hate to think what they think now..... The stained glass masquerade comes into effect now, too, as I fear the repercussions of letting the real me show.

I had my first appointment with my counselor today, though, and that has me optimistic. She was really, really nice, and I think I'm going to like her a lot. She's going to be tough on me, though, just because she has to be to get me better, because she told me that I do need to go see a psychiatrist because the way I describe my panic attacks sound, to her, almost like little seizures and that my medicine I'm on now obviously isn't working if I'm still having those episodes and haven't been to work in so long. (Long sentence. Sorry.) She's going to be on my side, though, to help me work toward healing.... We talked about so many things and I feel like she hit on a lot of my problems. I'm defintely going to keep going to her, but I know that real progress won't be easy unless my medicine is right. So I guess I'm going to make a psych appointment....I'm still scared about that, but Karla (my counselor) told me that I don't necessarily have to mention anything spiritual in nature to them if I'm afraid of how they'll hear it. She said my attacks are so physiological that I can keep my description on that stuff and they'll know plenty to be able to help me. I still don't want to go, but I trust her and I trust Scott and they say it's going to be okay.

Scott and I went to my office for a little while after my appointment. I talked to my boss, who has been so wonderful about all of this, and everyone there was so glad to see me.....I cried as I hugged them all. It's so wonderful to work in a Christian place with people who are so genuinely caring and loving. I don't know if I could work anywhere where faith had to be in the background after having this kind of experience. And I know God had me going through this particular valley now, while I'm "working" there, for a reason. They're perfect for me now. I may even be able to go back to work soon.

Things are up.....but they're down, too. Aren't they always? I'm still so confused. Whenever I feel good, I feel so fragile, too, like that's subject to change at any moment. It's all so up and down. I have hope, though, that it's going to get better. Hope is all I can ask for.