On One Hand....But On The Other Hand..... Contradictory Thoughts from Jess

I'm sitting at the computer with my sweet Kitter on my lap. She cried at the door until I let her in, and since then has been discontent anywhere but on top of me. It would be annoying if it weren't so sweet. (I know somewhere in my mind that she's probably just cold, since it's like 40 degrees outside and we don't have our heat on yet. I still choose to believe that she just wants to be close to me and loves me for who I am......and not because I'm a warm lap.)

I'm feeling okay today. I'm a little pensive because I know the day is coming when it is no longer okay with my boss to recuperate at home and I'll have to return to work, and I know that day will bring anxiety and stress. I do have an appointment on Tuesday with a counselor - a Christian family counselor who is also a Presbyterian minister - and I'm tentatively excited about that. I know it's going to be good for me, but I have to expect that it's going to bring some self-discovery that might not be easy. I know I need to do this, though, and I'm glad to have a professional on my team.

Last night I taught our Bible study on the 5 love languages - if you haven't read that book, you should. It's great. Anyway, I taught the lesson for all of us and will continue to do so until the book is finished. When prayer time came, my brother in law asked if they should all still be praying for me and my issues.....I told him thanks for asking but I was trying not to mention it since we had some new people at the group and I wasn't entirely thrilled about getting that real quite yet.....but I told them all what's going on (pretty much everything, but I spared them gory details) and asked them to pray for me. As I was talking about it I realized they were all probably confused because what I'm dealing with doesn't manifest itself in times like that....it rears its ugly head when I'm alone at home or facing some sort of a public excursion. It occurred to me that it probably always looks like I'm making it up since it doesn't look like that to people who see me. I do try to put on a pretty public face and truth be told, a lot of times I do feel great out like that. I get to laughing about things and forget what's going on, but then I get home and it's like it's waiting for me here. It's strange. Scott said that's why no one saw it coming for me to struggle like this and why people like his dad are having such a hard time understanding - because it doesn't fit with the "me" they see and how I always seem to be when they see me. It's a weird thing. I asked Scott last night why I'm two faced - halfway joking but halfway serious - and he assured me that that's not what I am. I don't get quite what's going on with me, but I'm eager to figure it out and be able to talk about it as a past victory.

I'm excited about the weekend. Supposed to go to the fair with my sister and her husband, so that'll be fun, and church Sunday will supposedly tell me how I can know God's will for my life. It's going to be a good weekend, and I'm not going to think about what next week might bring.