Bad Day

Today is a bad day. Different things happened this weekend to make me down on myself again, when I had been doing well and had completely intended to return to work this morning. I wanted to go and needed to go and almost looked forward to it....but then I got hit again with the same doubts and fears and self-loathing and couldn't bring myself to face the world. Knowing, somehow, that I wasn't expected to get up and go made it easier to NOT get up and go, so I stayed in bed after Scott went to work. I feel guilty when I do that, but I still somehow can't make myself get up. It's that hiding feeling again, and I hate it. I hate that when my phone rings I ignore it and when I know there's a voicemail there I don't listen to it. I hate that I cringe when I check my email because I'm afraid there's going to be a message from someone wanting me to get together with them. I hate that when I'm surrounded by people the only thing I can think is how I'm not as _____ as someone else or I'm not _____ enough or how everyone is thinking that I'm ____. I hate that. I know my thoughts are too centered in what I feel and not enough in what I know, but sometimes the things I know to be true are still so uncertain. I don't know what I know. I need some help with this. I actually really prayed yesterday afternoon. I was driving back from somewhere that had brought on an onslaught of negative thoughts about myself, and I just finally turned off the radio in the car and talked to God. I was honest with Him about my fears and my doubts and all of the reasons I'm mad at myself and the world.... It felt good. I got home, though, and got a headache and lay down for awhile....for a restless nap filled with those dreams that are irritating and panicky and so real that when you wake up you can't separate dream from reality. My mindset for the rest of the evening was all off. And it's still off today. I'm so restless. So fearful and so negative. This isn't me, and I don't want to be like this any more.