I did something today that threatened to take me down.
We are going on a mini-vacation in a few days (more on that to come), and Leah and I made a trip to WalMart this morning to get some of the essential things for the trip. We wandered around the store for a long time, looping back over and over to get the things we had forgotten, and finally made it to the checkout line with everything on our list (and only one or two things that weren’t on the list). I waited my turn in line, since they had only one register open. I piled my finds on the conveyor belt and inched forward so the people behind me could do likewise. I handed my coupons to the cashier…
…and I realized I had left my money sitting on the kitchen counter. I had planned to pay in cash – the cash we have reserved for the trip – but had left it at home.
Desperate, I wound up putting the bill on the credit card. (Don’t tell Dave Ramsey. I’ll be in big trouble.) As I paid and gathered my bags and walked to the car, I muttered a series of words under my breath.
“Stupid. Idiot. Thoughtless. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Careless. Idiot.”
That’s right. An innocent mistake – one that can easily be remedied with a trip to the bank and a deposit slip – was enough to knock me down and cause me to fling words at myself that I would never, ever fling at someone else. Words that God certainly would never fling at me. Words full of hatred and contempt and lies.
I’d love to say that I made a choice at some point and said I wouldn’t think that any more. That I prayed for peace and it came. That I replaced the toxic thoughts with healthy ones.
I didn’t, though. I got into the car, still grumbling at myself and trying not to take it out on sweet Leah, and turned on the radio. As the music filled the car, so did truth. Christian radio to the rescue. As I drove, I began to feel peace come over me. Truth washed over me like a tide, and things came into perspective.
What if I had turned on the radio and found negativity there, mirroring my hard and bitter and angry heart? I can tell you one thing: my day – and I, myself – would have fallen apart.
7 of your thoughts:
"cause me to fling words at myself that I would never, ever fling at someone else"
That is profound.
Sometimes, I think we need to reverse the "Golden Rule" for ourselves...
"Do unto yourself as you would do unto others."
We can be so much harder on ourselves than we would ever be on others, and it shouldn't be so.
If it's any consolation, when I think of you, "stupid, idiot and careless" are none of the words that come to mind. I'd say they're much more along the lines of "selfless, Godly, caring and intelligent."
But you caught yourself! Good girl...!!!!
I think it's huge that you recognize it too. It's a big step :)
And can I humbly suggest something? If Leah heard you say those things, maybe you could apologize to her too? And maybe even pray with her for you AND for her in the future.
Not that she "gets" it at her age, but you could set up a system of apologizing to her if she hears you put yourself down as a sort of accountability and so she sees you are
1. not perfect
2. working on being like Christ
3. fully reliant on Him
It's humbling to apologize to the kiddos. But oh so refreshing and an amazing example of His grace. And also great accountability.
Love you Jessica!! And hope your vacation is super fun! Can't wait to see pictures :)
Apologizing to the kids is such a great experience. It lets them know that you are not perfect which is so important. It is only through God's grace that we are free, and I think by us making mistakes, apologizing to our kids and letting them see God's grace at work, we are being a wonderful witness!!
it happens to the best of us!
i can't even tell you the number of times i have done this.
Walmart is the great satan anyway, it is where those folks from the post office and the dmv go when they are not at those other places.
I can not tell you how many times WAFJ has come to my rescue with just the words I need to hear when I need to hear them. Especially those horrifically bad days at work. As I am fuming and fussing about my day--doubting my abilities and questioning my actions throughout the day, the music calms me and makes me proud to be doing God's work. I am proud of you! Life is always tough. We are often toughest on ourselves but God sends us what we need when we most need it. I love that about Him!
Post a Comment