If you know me (or have been reading for awhile), you know that I am an anxious person. This isn’t just about being a little bit jumpy or stressing easily. I have what they call “generalized anxiety disorder,” basically meaning that in a sense, I have faulty shock absorbers when it comes to my emotions, causing me to feel anxiety and panic in situations that probably wouldn’t faze most people. I’m not afraid or ashamed to talk about this, nor will I hide the fact that I am on medication and see a psychiatrist. It’s part of who I am. I have seen a counselor off and on, and by working with her I have been through cognitive behavior therapy. I’m a million times better than I was a couple of years ago, when I struggled with agoraphobia because of my anxiety, but I do not consider myself healed. This is a thorn in my flesh, and through it God is teaching me how to trust in and rely on Him.
As a clinically-diagnosed anxious person, motherhood poses considerable challenges to me. It’s not easy for anyone, to be sure, but the anxieties of my normal state of being are nothing but compounded when added to the anxieties of motherhood (which, obviously, are considerable).
Learning how to be a mother AND an anxious person has been an interesting adventure. Here’s what I mean.
I think every mother knows this situation: You’re sitting and watching TV while your newborn baby sleeps. The monitor is on, she’s only in the next room, you just laid her down a few minutes ago…..yet you feel the need to check on her. You must decide: let it go, or go in. Shrug it off, or satisfy your motherly need for peace of mind.
Here enters the issue of “motherly intuition.” When trusting one’s motherly intuition, the sudden need to check on a sleeping baby should be fulfilled. Check on the baby, by all means. However, when motherly intuition becomes tainted by generalized anxiety, it becomes difficult to differentiate between the two. This “need” I’m feeling to check on the baby…….is it my motherly intuition telling me something might actually be wrong, or is it my overactive anxious imagination creating a reason to worry?
Does anyone else know what I mean?
4 of your thoughts:
That's great of you to be honest and share. Every mother worries, but like you said you will have to learn the difference between intuition and being extreme. In moments like these perhaps you could set up reasonable boundaries for yourself ~ such as allow yourself 2 checks during nap time.
There are mothers out there who could learn from you and your 'attentiveness'. If a woman does it right, becoming a mother makes her a better wife. She becomes more sensitive and in tune with things around her. I'm proud of the mother you've become.
Girl, I haven't even HAD my child yet and I get so anxious about stupid things like using knives, or even driving. I worry about how delicate she will be and all the possible scenarios that could hurt her and kill her until I'm physically sick with that worry.. so I can't even imagine what it's like once that baby is actually OUT and you're responsible for them. I guess my coping device is just prayer and trust right now. I realize that I've let my anxiety take over so I say, "Hey, God. I can't deal with this. I'm sick with worry now to the point of tears and hyperventilation so would you help me to let go of the worry?" and then I think of someone else.
But honestly, I have no real advice for you because how to put that into practice as a mother is something you'd be more apt to be able to advise me on.
It is a conundrum, though. It's like the worry comes naturally to us even though God has commanded us not to worry or be anxious. Difficult.
Leah is so cute! I love when you post pictures of her! The second one is my favorite. She looks so inquisitive! I'll bet she's learning SO MUCH at this stage in her life!!!
Oh my dear, I think you know I've been there and am STILL there. It is a process to work through. I will say it's getting easier, I'm not better, but I give my self little things to work on and celebrate the small victories.
Also, I'm learning the antidote to anxiety is prayer. Praying for God's peace, resting in the fact that God loves Leah more than you ever could. (seems impossible, I know) Continue to be attentive, that is very important. Give yourself little hurdles to move past every day. Meaning, trust God but put training wheels on that. This is not because God needs the training wheels, we do. Little practice sessions in letting go.
Giving yourself two "checks" at naptime is a good example.
A big kid example is letting your 8-yr.old girlie go on a field trip with her class and NOT having yourself or your husband volunteer for the trip. *gasp* Let the ever important Weezer attend that trip and pray all day.
I guess I'm trying to say, don't beat yourself up over everything. Continue to be attentive but practice letting God be God. I know this is easier to type than do but know I'm still in the struggle mode too.
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