Failure of Epic Proportions

Okay, that's probably an exaggeration, but that's how it feels. Twice this week I planned on going to the Futurity (this rodeo-type thing that comes to Augusta every year), and twice this week I freaked out and couldn't do it. I wanted to go, too, which makes it worse. Last night we were going with our Bible study group, too, so Ashley, Rachel, Mark, and Nathan got to feel what it's like when I back out on something. Scott went ahead and went, which is good - he needed to, to have a little fun himself - but I have to admit that I kinda wanted him to come home to me. He checked on me, of course, and made sure I was okay, but I think I realized last night that something in me expects him to be my knight in shining armor to come to my rescue every time that happens. He has definitely been my rock, and when I started feeling panicky beforehand, I called him to get a pep talk and to hear a calming voice tell me I could do it. He was having an infuriating experience with one of his employees, though, so he wasn't in much the mindset for that sort of thing and I didn't even tell him at the time why I had called because I didn't want to add more to his plate. I realized, while I was laying in bed trying to nap so I wouldn't think about things anymore, what I really wanted was for him to drop everything and come home to me....and I instantly became kinda disgusted with myself because it seemed so selfish. He needs to get out and have fun, especially without me - because I think that's just good for him when I'm always dealing with some melodramatic ordeal - and here I am wanting him to stay with me in my self proclaimed "pit of despair." (I think if I were the psalmist David, I would have said something about muck and mire right there.) That's selfish, and I felt even worse after that thought had crossed my mind. He has been 100% wonderful through all of this since I started having these problems like 2 years ago, and I'm so selfish that I EXPECT him to be. He would have every reason to scream and insist that he get out of the house every now and then, but he never does. He stays with me, comforting me, talking with me, trying to understand what I'm feeling, and never wavering in his affections when it's clear he can't understand me. He's so good for me, and I guess what I realized last night is that I've come to depend on him, probably too much, and that a lot of the emotional baggage I heap on him needs to be given to the Lord instead. I didn't think about that until then, and now that it has occurred t me I feel terrible. I feel like I've been so self-absorbed that I haven't thought about what I've been dragging him through. Like the princess in The Princess Bride. So anyways, I don't feel like this has been a particularly triumphant week, what with realizing that I'm not being fair to my husband and backing out of two things (well, one thing - twice) that I really did want to do. I feel like a failure, and I hate that feeling.