A Breakthrough?

Okay, so I had another "visit" (as we like to call them) with my counselor a little while ago, and I feel now, more than ever, like a little kid who sticks the thermometer into a pot of boiling hot tea water while his mother isn't looking so that his temperature will read 150 and he won't have to go to school, but who, upon being found out (because no one in their right minds would believe that someone's temperature was 150) simply whines over and over again, "But I don't WANNA go! I'm sick! I don't wanna go! Don't make me go! You're MEAN!!!" Allow me to explain.

Apparently, I'm dissatisfied with my job. While this might not come as any particular surprise to some of you who read this, it came as a pretty big surprise to me when I found out this afternoon. This is the thing: I don't like not being engaged while I'm at work, I don't like watching the clock and twiddling my thumbs, I don't like being asked to do simply menial things because people don't trust me enough to do more important things on my own, and I don't like being stuck there feeling like I'm not needed. All of that, I think, makes me not want to go to work, because those things are all pretty much true of my job. It's frustrating, and I don't like it so much. Imagine.

That, combined with my generalized anxiety and panic disorder, has led me to simply NOT go to work. Knowing that when I DO go I'll probably be simply sitting and finding new ways to twiddle my thumbs, I'm not very motivated to overcome my feelings of anxiety and stuff. So I stay home. For weeks on end. Having a diagnosis that allows this to be possible, I apparently have been milking it. Somewhat.

Tonight, talking with Karla, I discovered all of this, and, on top of that, I discovered that the feeling of disappointing other people by not going to work is actually worse than the misery and anxiety I feel related to work.

So the breakthrough is.............................

I need to go to work.

Now do you see why I feel like a little kid rationalizing why I don't want to go to school? No good excuse not to, and staying home from school only creates makeup work and the fear that people will forget about you.......and that's where I am now.

I'm supposed to go to work. We'll see about that. I have to go lead Bible study now.....but I'll get back to you later.