Again

It's happening again. I'm feeling so overwhelmed and so frustrated, and I wound up crying like a baby again last night out of nowhere. I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed over nothing, and I shouldn't feel so out of control. I do, though, and it just hits me so hard sometimes that I just cry and cry until I fall asleep and then when I wake up again I do everything I can to keep from thinking of it again...which usually involves going back to sleep. I missed lunch with Vickie today - I was supposed to meet her, and shamefully, I stood her up. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get myself out of bed, and I couldn't make myself sociable. I feel like when someone asks me to lunch, they aren't asking for what they're likely, in all honesty, to get with me, which is gloom and sadness and deep psychological talk. People have enough of that going on themselves, so I feel awful sharing my heavy load with anyone, though I know that's technically what I'm supposed to do. I'm reminded of this part in this book I read once where the author said that a woman's ultimate fear is that she'll be "too much" for people to handle, and that's what I feel like is going on with me. I don't want to talk to people about what I have going on, unless I'm literally paying them to hear it all, and I don't want to dump it all on some unsuspecting person when all they really wanted me to say is that I'm fine. I don't want to become one of those people who people feel like is always moping around and never has anything positive to say, so it's easier to hide away, not talk to anyone at all, rather than keep putting on the act or risk being seen through....and having to tell it all anyway. I feel like I'm wearing people down with all of my junk - y'all included - and like everyone is tired of being dragged along on this roller coaster ride that my life has become. I don't want to live like this. It's so painful and frustrating and so scary. I feel like I'm disappointing everyone - absolutely everyone - and I don't know how to reverse this process I've somehow gotten myself into. I'm sorry, y'all. I know I'm doing now the very thing I'm saying I don't like to do, and I really do apologize. I didn't mean for this post to become like this, but something inside me is saying that I should write this because it's what's really going on and what I'm really feeling....I'm a little conflicted, if you can't tell. Anyway, I wrote this today.....

As day breaks, so does her spirit.
The sun comes up, bringing light into her darkness
and bringing hidden things into the open.
She has to face it all again. To think of it all and realize again how real it all is.
So she smiles a smile of having to
and lives the life of needing to.
The irony....
Her spirit must again wait for the safety of darkness,
the freedom of night,
when the plastic smile and synthetic life lose their meaning.
The day wears on and again she is covered
with the familiar softness of night's blanket.
It wraps around her,
she settles in, and
again, finally, she cries the tears of wanting to.

I don't know where that came from, really, but it rang so true with me. I'm sorry, y'all. I didn't mean to be so down on y'all today. Please just pray for me, okay? I need it, badly.

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. (Psalm 57:1)