Private Pages

Can I be brutally honest? Can I really?

Because I need to be. I need to express something that’s been weighing on me and needing to be said. I feel somehow like it needs to be in an open forum, rather than in my journal or on other private pages, because I feel like somehow – and I really don’t know how – it might help someone.

Here it is.

I am so painfully insecure about myself sometimes that I struggle with being happy for other people. When other people have happy, blissful, perfect seasons of their lives, I celebrate with them only as far as my own awareness of my shortcomings will allow.

I cannot be happy for other people to the extent I want to be because something inside of me thinks that maybe I would be happier if I were in their shoes. And yes, I realize that is the very definition of coveting. And no, there’s not really anything about my life that I would change, but somehow – somehow – when my life is held up to the light emanating from others’ lives, it falls short.

While this is something I’ve dealt with forever, I’ve become more aware of it lately. Many friends are celebrating…and somehow, I feel bad about myself because my life does not call for celebration.

Or…..does it?

When I really stop and think about it…..and really, the act of putting these words on “paper” is making me think more about it than I have before…..my life is cause for much celebration.

I am loved beyond belief. I have people who love me in spite of ugly things….ugly things like the one I’ve just confessed to you. I have a Savior who loves me…..and who reached right through all of my ugliness to change it…..to redeem it….to say that it didn’t have to be so. Because of Him, my struggles do not have to define me. I have a home that is my refuge, a husband who is my rock, and a little girl who makes my heart smile even when my eyes are filled with tears. I am able to serve in my church in ways that only God could have brought about, and I have a calling on my life to share His work with others…and that is something I enjoy.

Really, there is plenty to celebrate about. Really, what I need to work on, I think, is being okay with being okay with my life. It’s a feeling I’ve rarely – if ever – felt, and I think it’s something I need to learn to do.