Black Box

Several weeks ago on a Saturday morning, Scott and Leah were playing in the kitchen when I, seeing the opportunity to check my email and blog, grabbed my laptop and sat down at the kitchen table. As we often do (and soon will not have to do any more), Scott “spoke for” Leah, saying, “What’s that, Mama? Daddy, Mama’s got that black box again…” He meant nothing by it; he was only attempting to verbalize what seemed to be on her little face as she curiously watched me. However, what he (she?) said made me think, and it has haunted me ever since.

My computer is my biggest “time suck,” as I call it. When I look back over my day and wonder where the time went, the answer often enough lies on my computer. Blog posts, comments on others’ blogs, emails, random web searches, edited pictures…. It pains me to admit it, but my preoccupation with my computer is unhealthy and, perhaps, detrimental to the other things in my life that should take a position of priority.

When airplanes go down, leaving few or no survivors, those investigating the cause of the crashes search for the black boxes. These black boxes record the last few minutes of the plane’s flight time, showing all stats and figures of the aircraft and, usually, revealing what went wrong and caused the plane’s downfall. I fear that my computer – this device that occupies a position of priority on my lap – could be the little black box of all that is important in my life. If Leah grows up thinking that Mama always had something else to do rather than spend time with her, the reason for her feeling that way could be found in the black box. If my marriage to Scott never becomes all that God would have it to be, the black box would probably hold the answer to that mystery. If my book never gets written and I never fulfill the purpose I feel God has placed on my life, the black box could explain why it never happened. If Jesus becomes a casual acquaintance rather than a beloved confidant, the black box would show why.

Friends, I don’t want my life to crash and burn, and for those left in the aftermath to look to the black box and nod in understanding. I don’t want my computer to be nurtured and filled with my devotion while the other areas of my life suffer as a result.

One night in cell group, the question was raised, “If someone from another world were to observe your life, what would they assume your dreams are?” The question, in other words, was, “Are your actions reflecting all that you want your life to be about? Are you spending time on what’s most important to you?”

For me, the answer must be a resounding and shameful, “No.” What about you?

If someone were to take apart your life and investigate why you were never all that you could have been, or why things fell apart, where would they find the answers? Is your time spent on what’s most important?

Because the honest answer to those questions, for me, is not pretty, something must change. Because I must get serious about what is important, I am going to utilize a three-week period of fasting in my church to refocus. For three weeks, I will do my very best focus on 4 things:

1 – My relationship with the Lord.

2 – My marriage.

3 – My daughter.

4 – My writing career.

It is my hope that by doing so for a few weeks, this will become a well-ingrained habit. I must focus on God first, and I suspect that the others will fall into place after that. My marriage, right now, is wonderful, but let’s be honest – there’s always work to be done as I seek to be the wife God needs me to be for my husband. My daughter is still very little, and the time I spend with her now is crucial to her growth and development. My writing career is in its infancy and must be nurtured carefully or it will not survive.

During this time of refocusing, I will continue to write here, as I consider this a big part of my writing career and pretty important to my sanity. However, you will notice a shortage of my comments on your own blogs, as I will not be allowing myself to wander into the vortex of the internet, getting lost and forgetting what I’m supposed to be doing. Please, friends, don’t think I don’t care about what you have going on in your lives, or that I won’t miss you. I do and I will. I simply have to refocus. I'm going to shy away from TV and email and anything else that might pull me from these focus points. I have to do this.

If you think of it, pray for me as I take this little “praycation,” as I’m calling it. This is going to be a test of my strength and will. Hopefully, though, it will also be life changing.