I'm in the closet..........

...........trying to figure out what I'll wear for the day. Many thoughts go through my mind. It's cold (or hot) outside, but it's going to be hot (or cold) inside. It's raining (or extremely sunny). I can't wear *that* because people I work with *ahem....Eddy* will have something to say about it. I need to be comfortable. I need to look nice. Those shoes gave me blisters last time I wore them. Those pants are too short for those shoes. Those shoes are too flat for those pants.

On and on. Suddenly, I'm seized by panic. Completely overwhelmed. Stressed. All in a lather about this - the first of many decisions I'll face in my day, and certainly not the most important one, at that. Desperate for help, I call out to Scott. "Hey, babe........pick a color." He shouts a color from wherever he might be in the house, I target that color in my search, and - unless he says red, which he seems to like a lot - the issue is resolved.

This inner conflict stems from a lot of things, I think. Remnants of adolescent insecurities tell me that I have to look perfect or people will laugh at me. Perfectionism says I have to look perfect or I'll be a bad person. Agoraphobia says that if I just stay home, I won't have to worry about it. Depression says that I'll never look as good as I want, so it's best to cry about it.

I read scripture that attacks these ideas.

Proverbs 31:30 - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

1 Peter 3:3-4 - Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Psalm 139:13 - For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Job 29:14 - I put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban.

Matthew 6:25-29 - “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.

I pray about it.

"God, help me to see myself as you do. Help me to understand, deep in my heart, that this stuff doesn't matter if I'm secure in who I am in You."

I talk to other people.

"Jess, we think you're beautiful, and we love you! It doesn't matter what you're wearing!"

And I continue to panic. I continue to buy more stuff so that I'll have more options and will feel complete. I continue to think that my appearance - what I have on - will somehow make me into the person I want to be. I continue to chase after an unattainable image. I continue to play the game. I continue to hide it all.