Blue January

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. In that day you will say: "Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. (Isaiah 12:2-5)

I'm still scared. I'm debating whether or not to look online at WebMD. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes, though, the plethora of information is overwhelming and because I already verge on hypochondra sometimes, that's not really a good thing. I get just enough information there to become convinced that I'm deathly ill and not have anything I can do about it.

In any case, I'm a little bit fragile this morning. Last night I cried and cried, for no reason, really, and Scott had to rub my back until I fell asleep just to keep me calm. I don't know what it is. I had so much on my mind and felt so overwhelmed. I talked to Karla last night, though, after my horrific day, and she helped me out a lot. (She's amazing. I just love her so much. I should tell her so.) She got me talking about it, which I didn't want to do but knew was necessary. I came to the realization that I probably have post-holiday depression. The excitement of Christmas and Thanksgiving and New Years dies down, there's not another holiday in sight for awhile, things go back to "normal," and I get blue. I never thought about it before, but that's true for me. I've always been one to get sad on Christmas night and the day after Christmas, feeling the big let-down after so much anticipation. I think I'm just sad right now, and that's coloring how I see everything. It helps to know that, because with that in mind I can remember that while the stuff that happens might not be great, it almost certainly isn't as catastrophic as I might perceive it.

In an attempt to see if this is a noticeable trend for me, Karla went to my file and looked at her notes from a year ago. She started reading things to me that she had written and things that I had said, and I couldn't help it - I started weeping. I felt like I was listening to myself in my darkest moments - it was me, yet I was detached from it - and it was so sad and scary....but so refreshing because I'm not there anymore....but so fresh because it wasn't that long ago. It was a very strange thing. Though the tears kept coming, I wasn't ready for her to stop reading. It's been such a journey for me. The depression, the anxiety, the agoraphobia and panic attacks. God has been carrying me through this for a long time - longer, probably, than I realize - and He's not finished carrying me yet. I'm still in the middle of it. He has never left me alone before, and I have no reason to believe that He might do so now.

Sometimes I just need a reminder. That's all.