Spiritual Milk

The other day I had an amazing appointment with my counselor. It was really more of a conversation....and perhaps a life-changing one, at that. It was a case where my heart had clearly been softened and primed just right by the Holy Spirit, because she told me something I've heard a hundred times before, but it struck me in a completely different way that day. We talk a lot about my perfectionism and how I have a higher standard for myself than I have for other people, and how I'm much more likely to give other people the benefit of the doubt than I am to do the same for myself. We were talking along those lines and she said to me, "Jessica, you need to realize that you are loved immeasureably, and it doesn't matter what you think." I just stared at her, not really getting what she was getting at, and she said, "The love God has for you has nothing to do with you. It's not that you're particularly loveable or perfect or incredible. The fact that you're loved is purely a reflection of who GOD is. Not who YOU are." I sat there, kind of letting it sink in for a minute. Tears filled my eyes as I realized what she meant. I can try and try and try, but that doesn't matter to God. I can fail at everything, and that won't matter to God. I can become my perfect idea of myself, and that won't matter to God. The fact that He adores me has nothing at all to do with me. I am loved because He chooses to love me. Period. Of course I've been told that before, but it hit me in a whole new way, and I started to get what people mean when they talk about just being joyful. It's so humbling to know that the God of the universe, my Creator, loves me that much just because He wants to, and not because of anything I've done....and that He won't stop loving me if I mess up. It made me feel really special, for the first time in a long time, and I kind of got it on a deeper level. I remember one time when I was in college, my senior year, I was walking back to my dorm room from class and was completely awestruck by the beauty of the campus around me, by the cool air on my face, the blessing I had in just being able to be there.....and I just started grinning from ear to ear. Walking around all by myself, laughing and grinning because I really felt God's love for me. It was real, and I thought, "I don't need anyone else to love me, because look at this love I already have!" It was cool. It was probably one of the most vivid experiences I've ever had with being truly in love with God, and my conversation with Karla last week brought that feeling back. I got a little bit scared then, though, because I was so afraid that the feeling would leave. I was scared that I would sit in her office, cry some tears of joy and understanding, and that I would leave there, go to my eye appointment, and continue with my life as it had been - even though I had been touched by some words that had every reason to change my life. It's hard to hang on to those moments. The still, small voice of God isn't audible....my ears can't hear it, and my heart has a short memory span. I wish I could have recorded those words the way they sounded to my parched and weary heart at that moment. I'm trying to learn to make that a reality in life every day, but that's so hard to do when every habit and every tape playing in my head has always said otherwise. God loves me. He does, and there's nothing I can do about it.

“Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.” 1 Peter 2:2-3