So Much.....Always So Much

I have to echo Becca's sentiments. Our email and internet has been completely spastic this week, and checking email and blogging has been impossible most of the time and agonizingly slow at best the rest of the time.....so I'm only tonight, at near midnight, settling in on the couch to check messages that I needed to get Tuesday and to try to post my thoughts from this week. My thoughts, though many, will come out short and shallow, I'm afraid, partially because of the late hour and partially because I challenge anyone to recall all the thoughts and ponderings of an entire week within a few minutes. It is, I dare say, nigh impossible. With that in mind, though, I shall embark on the challenge of trying to do the aforementioned task.

I hope it all doesn't come out as weird as the last paragraph did......

Where to begin? Last weekend, I took a huge step. I had a huge victory against my agoraphobia and depression and the steady proddings of the enemy and went to a women's retreat with some ladies from Quest. We went to Charleston, SC to a Joyce Meyer conference, and it was so, so profound. I felt like standing up at the end of the conference and thanking everyone for coming to my conference, because so much of what she said spoke directly to my heart and I even felt like my insides had been touched - a healing, warming, comforting touch from the Spirit. It was so good, and I felt like I was shown so much about myself and what I need to do to dig myself out of this mess. It was really good, and the female bonding didn't hurt, either. I forget how much fun it is to laugh with other girls about bodily functions and embarrassing stuff and to cry about what hurts us most..... It was good for the soul, to say the least, and I'm so glad I was convinced to go. It was not my choice at first, but the ladies from church and Scott and my own heart told me that it really would be good for me to go. it was wonderful. If I had written when I first got back, I would have had a lot more to say, but seeing as how I couldn't.....

This is related and unrelated, and I know that it comes without any contextual clues as to what I might want someone to say, but I have to throw this question out there for anyone to respond to....and please do respond, and please respond honestly. What do you, from your own spiritual backgrounds and experiences, think about the gift of speaking in tongues? I'll be glad to share my own thoughts, but I don't want to bias anyone with my response. I really need to know.

I'd love to say that my victory from last weekend was long-lasting into this week, and that I've ben so profoundly touched that I'm healed and it's all good now. You have NO IDEA how much I'd love to be able to say that. I just can't, though. Monday was good.....and Tuesday I crashed. Back into my old world, with sleeping all day and feeling sorry for myself, not eating and doing nothing until late at night. It's a messed-up world, and I don't like it much. Despite that, though, that's where I lived this week. Booooooo. =(

Why is it that even though we all have problems, and we know we all have problems, and we all talk about how we all have problems and how we should talk about how we all have problems more often, there's always this degree of shame that goes along with talking about our problems? Did that make any sense whatsoever? I think I lost myself. It's just that we all say we have problems (WE as in the church, especially) and encourage each other to talk about it, and then when we do, we still feel that shame? I know it's a work of the enemy, because alongside that shame we also feel something much more Godlike - relief and comfort. I was thinking about this tonight when I was at Walgreens picking up my prescriptions, and I had this fleeting thought of embarrassment about what kinds of meds I was taking. Like, "What must this pharmacy tech think is wrong with me?" So stupid, but I feel that every time I get me medicine. Part of it, I think, is that I don't like being on medicine and wish so badly that I didn't have to be. Karla says that I should physically take my medicine from one hand to the other when I take it - move it from one hand to the other as a physical sign of my turning it over to God. A physical sign of, "Thank You, Lord, for giving me this medicine, and thank You that it helps. Thank you for moving me toward healing, and even though I'm not there yet, thank You that I'm not where I was." I'm trying......but there's still this really big part of me that HATES having to take pills to feel normal. I think things like, "What if I get pregnant? I'll have to come off the medicine, and then what kind of person will I be? What about the side effects? Am I going to have to live with these loathsome side effects for the rest of my life?" Part of me really believes that someday I will be able to come off the medicine, and I know that millions of women deal with pregnancy and mood disorders, but still. I'm trying to just be happy where I am, and grateful that I have people walking with me on this path and taking care of me, and to trust God along the way. I'm trying. I really am. Along that journey, if you happen to know any really good verses for me to commit to memory for my scriptural arsenal against negative thoughts, please let me know. I'm open to any that are beneficial. And really, they're all beneficial.....but it takes some time to dig through them sometimes. =)

Argh.

So yeah. That's me tonight. I'm sitting on the couch, itchy because of the pollen and our shedding cat, tired but not sleepy and knowing I should go to bed if I'm ever going to be able to get up in the morning......which I know I have to do because I have to drop my parents off at the bus that will take them to Charleston for their cruise to the Caribbean at like 8:30 and I have to help Nathan and Rachel move and then go to Ashley and Mark's house for dinner and a movie..... A great an exciting day for all, but I won't be great OR exciting if I stay here on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond until the wee hours of the morning. I need to go take a bath and get rid of all the itchy stuff. That would be the smart thing to do. I have pictures to post, too.......maybe tomorrow. Definitely not tonight.