Finally Getting Real

I'm back!
I had a wedding shower for my little sister and her finace last Saturday. Last week I was a WRECK trying to plan that, because I had never done anything like that before and no one would RSVP so I could have had anywhere from 4 to 24 people coming. Nice. So I bought like 50 pounds of food - all sorts of fancy cheeses and crackers and random stuff that I knew my somewhat picky of an eater of a sister would eat. Tons of food for like 8 people. Oh, well. They had fun. That's what's important. And now we have leftovers!
So.....okay. I'm going to be real now. I've kinda struggled some with this blog thing, as you may or may not know, and never really know what to write because I'm always thinking that if I complain about something I sound whiny and if I just ramble on about what I have going on someone will pass out from boredom and hurt themselves as they fall to the floor.
That being said, I need to be real now, and need to write/talk about something I'm dealing with. Which might be, after all, what this whole thing is about, after all.
Yesterday morning, something happened to me that seems to be happening more and more often lately. I got up to get ready for church, as usual. Showered, did my makeup, tamed the hair, got dressed..... Then I looked in the mirror, had bad thoughts, and had a breakdown. I started to cry, curled up into a fetal position, and was essentially paralyzed with anxiety. I know that sounds weird. Scott prayed over me and read scripture, and I was still crying. We were already late for church and I made him leave me there while he went ahead. (He didn't want to leave me, but since he's the sound guy, I made him go, seeing as how without him the service would be.....very quiet.) I just couldn't do it. I just really couldn't do it. The thoughts going through my head were upsetting and disturbing and would not let me go. I kept thinking how everyone would be looking at me and be laughing at me and judging me. I hated the way I looked, hated the clothes I had on, and hated the very thought of going and faking being happy and comfortable in front of all of those people. I couldn't do it. I cried myself back to sleep, woke up when a couple of my friends from church were calling me to check on me, and went back to sleep until 10:19. (Our worship service starts at 10:30.) When I woke up, it was like God Himself had shaken me and was telling me to get myself to church because I needed to be there. Miraculously, I got myself up and went. I was late, mind you, but I made it there.
The fact that I recovered yesterday and was able to go somewhere was, for me, a small triumph - and one that has never happened before. Usually I just cry and cry. I don't know if this is agoraphobia or just general social anxiety or what, but it's scary. I have some other anxiety issues that keep coming up, too, in different situations....I'll get to those later sometime, lest anyone think I'm too crazy today.
I don't know why I felt compelled to write all of that, besides the fact that I think the whole point of this stuff is to write about whatever is on my mind. That is and has been on my mind, and it's kinda liberating to tell someone else. Am I crazy?