Struggles Past, Present, and Future

As Leah has gotten a little bit older, she is playing more and more with little things I have left around the house from my own childhood. A doll here…a book there…just little things that I’ve never gotten rid of, for one reason or another, and that I’ve always thought that “one day” my daughter would play with. Just this morning she discovered some tiny teddy bears I had stashed in a drawer, and she was captivated by them. I can’t tell you how special it is to be able to give her things that once brought me such joy and to see, now, that she loves them, too. It’s just a special thing to be able to share things like that with my daughter.

There are some things, though, that I don’t ever want to share with her. I’ve been pretty open about my struggles with depression and anxiety and panic and the myriad of things that accompany those. I am willing to talk with anyone about them because I know I am not the only one who has dealt with things like that and I know, too, that my experiences can encourage others who are there now. One day, when Leah is older, I will talk with her about all of that, too, and will pour out my heart to her so that she knows my story.

However, I don’t want her to ever feel what I have felt. I don’t ever want her to experience the despair and hopelessness and depth of sadness that I have felt. I am terribly afraid of seeing signs of anxiety in her, and of witnessing a panic attack in my little girl. I hate the thought that she might inherit those struggles from me. There is no guarantee that she will live with those issues like the other women in my family have; there is no guarantee, either, that she will not. The thought breaks my heart.

A few months ago, I stood over her bed praying for her as she slept. I found myself praying, as I often do, that she would never, ever feel the emotions I have. My heart cried out to God as I think only a mother’s can, begging God to save her from the things that might await her in the future. I desperately prayed and cried that she would not have those problems simply because I didn’t want her to have to deal with it.

As I prayed, though, a thought came to me. The Lord said to me, in that moment of quiet prayer, “Jessica, she will deal with something. She will struggle with something, even if it is not this.”

At that, my heart broke. I knew that was true. I knew she would struggle with something – something – in her life, even if it isn’t the same things I have dealt with. I knew it was true before that moment, but at that point, I realized that there might be a benefit to her dealing with the same things I have dealt with.

If she does struggle with depression – if she does find herself plunging into sadness or spiraling into panic – I can help. I can understand, and even if I can’t pull her out of those horrible emotions, I can be the one who is there when she feels no one else is, simply because I have been there. I will be there for her regardless of what life throws at her, but understanding goes a long way toward support and encouragement.

So maybe I do want to share that with her…..but I still don’t much like the idea. I am her mama, and I don’t want to see my little girl struggle and fight against something that has gripped her inexplicably. Nature dictates that she will struggle, though, and whatever it is that makes her little life less than perfect, I will be by her side as she battles it. The type of struggle is uncertain, but my companionship with her through it is guaranteed.