Thoughts on “The Bitey”

As I’ve written about before, our sweet Leah has begun a less-than-desirable expression of her frustration. It doesn’t happen every day or even every few days, but when we remembers the secret weapon she has tucked away, she remembers it several times that day.

I really don’t think she means to bite. I don’t think she’s trying to hurt me, or that she’s taking out her negative feelings on me intentionally. More than anything, I think she gets overwhelmed with emotion, be it anger or frustration or exhaustion or determination, and knows no other way to get it out. When she’s in the throes of one of her tantrums, she lunges – mouth open – at whatever is closest. She’s bitten the couch, coffee table, cabinets, kitchen chairs, and, unfortunately, both Scott and me. Like I said, though, I really don’t think that she’s trying to hurt us when she bites. She just seems like she has something inside of her that needs to come out, and biting is the only thing she knows to do. The interesting thing is that she seems more upset after she bites than she did before. It’s almost as though she feels out of control and her spontaneous “violent” outbursts scare her and she knows she’s done something wrong.

When she does it, I stop her immediately. I repeatedly say, “No bite!” as soon as I see the tantrum reaching the point of explosion and her mouth opening in a biting position. I’ve popped her on the mouth (which does not go over well, and leads to considerable mommy guilt on my part). I’ve sat her down and shown her the bite marks on us, told her how it hurts us when she does that, and told her to say she’s sorry and “give hugs and kisses.” (I’m fully aware that she probably doesn’t get all of that, but I still talk to her like she does.) Several people have told me to bite her back, but I don’t feel good about that. I guess I’m doing what I should be. I guess.

Generally, I’m trying to steer her toward more appropriate expressions of whatever she’s feeling. If I’m holding her when the tantrum begins, I sometimes lay her on the floor and tell her to “work it out.” I want her to know that it’s okay to feel what she’s feeling, and that those unpleasant feelings are normal and not wrong in any way and that she’s not “bad” for feeling that way, but that she can’t do certain things in those moments. I tell her all the time that it’s okay to feel angry or scared or frustrated, but it’s what she does when she feels that way that can be a problem.

I think the worst part of it all is the gut, instinctive reaction I have to her after she has bitten me. I find that I react in the same way to her, post-bite, as I would an unfamiliar dog. When she leans toward me, I flinch. I hate that. I don’t like that I react that way to my little girl in any circumstances. I can handle disciplining her and working through it all, but I can’t get past the instinctive reaction. That’s hard, and makes me feel like I’m not being what she needs. That’s all I ever want to be: just what she needs.