I don't know how much longer I can take this. Remember when I said awhile back that I felt that God wanted me to stay here, in this blissful job (is sarcasm a sin?) to learn something? Remember that?
Yeah.....well, that's getting harder and harder. At first, I felt brave and strong and - yes - obedient for staying and not considering resignation as an option. I did.
Now, though......now, the view is somewhat different. I don't feel brave and strong anymore. I feel like a sucker.
Seriously. Every single day, I come to work knowing someone is going to yell at me. Every single day, I know there are going to be things and situations thrown at me and I'm expected to handle....but that I do not have the power to do anything about. Every single day, I'm in charge of appeasing people who would likely panic if the corners of their mouths turned upward in a smile because, frankly, it has never happened before. Every. Single. Day.
Now I must ask myself............um..............why am I doing this?
I told myself awhile back that I would not leave until God opened another door for me. I told myself I wouldn't walk out these doors without having a plan for the other side. I know that's not good for me, and *yet* I find myself yearning for those days of depression and anxiety and unemployment. Somehow, in this disillusionment, that actually looks better, and I can't tell you how that scares me.
Truthfully, y'all? I want to write. I want to get in the door with a publisher and write. I want to have the option, when that day comes, of staying home with my children because financially and emotionally I can. I want to stay at home with my family like my mom did with us when I was really little. I want to focus on what's really important to me.........not a millionaire's desire to mow down more trees in his pursuit of a more grandiose wealth. That, my friends, is not important to me. My satusfaction in life, if wrapped up in that, is not looking good.
And the thing is, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start. I know it's a long and arduous journey, and I know I'll never make it if I don't get started....but my discontent with where I am now is crippling to my motivation, rather than having the desired effect of driving me toward what I want most. I feel apathetic, and that's scary to me. Apathy looks an awful lot like depression, and that's a view I'm not eager for again.
Something is going to have to change. Scott wants me to talk to our office manager and see what she suggests. Lots of others have come and gone in the position I'm in (the literal position I'm in....as Boss Man's assistant, not so much the emotional position I'm in), and perhaps she has some sort of hints or suggestions as to how I can make it work. I think I'm hesitant, though, because I don't see how this position is ever going to make me happy and fulfilled as long as I'm doing what I'm doing. Unless my job description radically changes, I don't see myself feeling differently.
So I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to pack up my stuff and leave. Part of me, though, says to stick it out.
Most of me, though, just feels like a miserable sucker.
4 of your thoughts:
Jess my lovely, I am going to put this delicately, because I know you are upset. But these are my thoughts and here they go....
Everyday I go to work, I wonder if someone is going to die, everyday, and sometimes I wonder if that person that is going to die is going to be me.
We don't all like our jobs, and remember that our jobs do not define who we are, what we do at our jobs and how we live with our faith in our jobs defines you. Sometimes the enemy attacks your past, sometimes he attacks your present, just sit back, smile, and remind him of his future. JT
Jess, I read this post yesterday and didn't know what to say, so I thought for a bit. I still don't really know what to say so I'll just say this, I'll pray for you while you are struggling with these thoughts and decisions.
I do like what james said, however. I think Satan does try to attack us with the tactics that he knows work best. He knows how to get to you, maybe even better than you know yourself. This is not me telling you to stick it out if you aren't supposed to, I'm just saying the enemy knows.
Like I said, I'll pray for you during this time. You sound like such a sweet person and I can feel and understand the hurt this causes. People are praying for you my dear and prayer works. :)
Jess, I receive a couple devotionals by email each day. Today's made me think of this post.
God's Motives
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman
Friday, May 30 2008
"He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." - 2 Samuel 22:20
Questioning someone's motives for their activities can become an overriding response to those to whom we relate. Wrong motives can result in broken relationships, poor business decisions, and falling out of God's will. Sometimes we do not know the motive of another person. It is wrong for us to assume what their motive is until we have confidence that we know their intentions. When we respond or react prematurely, we become judge and jury over them.
God has a motive for every one of His children. His desire is to bring us into a spacious place. He wants us to go beyond our borders of safety and security so that we might experience life at a level that goes beyond ourselves. What do you think of when you think of a "spacious place"? No limitations? A large, grassy field? Open air? These are positive images. Sometimes these spacious places encourage us to step out in faith into areas where we've never ventured. Sometimes we need to be rescued by the Lord. When Peter walked on the water, God was inviting him to a spacious place. He went beyond the borders of his boat and ventured into a whole new world. He didn't have complete success in his venturing out, but it was a process that would lead him to the next victory in his faith walk with Jesus. Sometimes failure is what is needed in order to move us to the next level of faith with God. However, we must be willing to fail and let God rescue us.
The Lord delights in this process. His motive for His children is always love. It is always to bring us to a new level of trust and dependence on Him.
what a spot. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Aren't you glad your faith is being stretched? *big sarcastic smile* Seriously, I can only imagine what it would be like to be in that environment. I totally believe that God gives us grace/supernatural strength to do whatever HE wants us to do so until He says go, I'll be praying that He pours out more & more grace on you and lets you know just what to do. Seek Him and He'll direct your paths, follow peace & all that. ((hugs))
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