Moving Day

I'm feeling much better today! Thank you all for your sweet comments, prayers, and genuine concern for me. It means so much, and I can honestly say that they are uplifting spiritually and physically. My doctor told me yesterday that I'd likely be in pain for 5 or 6 days, but today - this afternoon, anyway - the pain is virtually nonexistent. Thank you all for lifting me up!

This experience, other than being scary and making me paranoid about every little ache and pain, has taught me something.

I think I'm turning a corner. For a long time, I've lived on Paranoid Street. I've been so closed in - so afraid to let anyone in to my world - because I've sincerely felt that the more people know about me, the more they have to hold against me, make fun of me for, or misunderstand. "If no one knows anything," I reasoned, "they can't laugh at or judge me." While that reasoning might work sometimes, I'm in the process of learning that just because someone wants to know how I'm doing, that in no way means that they plan on using whatever information I give them against me somehow.

See, it took a lot of time and experience to come to that misguided conclusion. Lots of gossiping, lots of weird looks, lots of betrayal, and lots of pain. A perception like the one I lived with does not develop overnight, and - I fear - will not dissolve overnight. Like I said, though, I'm turning a corner.

The next street over is yet unnamed, because I haven't gotten there yet. From where I'm sitting, though, I can tell a few things about it. I can tell that while it is a somewhat more vulnerable place to be, it allows more happiness and fulfillment. I can tell that while it may be overwhelming, it is also encouraging.

You may ask what led me to this......realization. Having missed two days of work now, I called Boss Man (naturally) to let him know what was going on. However, I overestimated his communication with the rest of the office, and didn't guess that he wouldn't tell everyone else in the office. At about 11:00 this morning I got a phone message from Coworker Girl 1, saying that she was there with Coworker Girl 2 and Coworker Girl 3 and they were all worried about me. Truly, my first thought was, "Why don't they just leave me alone?"

(I have to say here that one year ago, I wouldn't have returned her call. I would have crawled back under the covers and dreaded the inevitable return to work, barrage of questions, and forced explanations. I would have dreaded it to the point that I wouldn't have done it. Period. So.......yeah. Little celebration of progress there.)

I did call her back, though, and when I hung up I was in tears. Flooding alligator tears. I was crying not over my vulnerability or the fact that Coworker Girls 1, 2, and 3 were prying into my life. I was crying because - bear with me here....this was a real revelation - people actually cared.

It never occurred to me that perhaps people actually cared. How sad is that? I've actually lived in a place where the truth could only be that people only asked about me because they wanted to talk about me. I've lived in a place where I was invisible, and where no one was ever legitimately worried about me.

I can never explain to you how lonely that place was, and how bad I feel now for not allowing other people to love me. I've gotten so many phone calls and text messages and emails from people who have heard it through the grapevine that I wasn't feeling well. I've heard so many times that people were just "calling to check on me," and have had so many offers to do something to help. I've felt awkward about it, and weird, and though I honestly haven't needed anything from anyone, I really don't know if I could have asked anyone to do anything because honestly, I didn't trust their motives. I felt weak if I asked for help, vulnerable if I told them I was struggling, and exposed if I talked it out with anyone. On the phone with another friend today, though, I realized that it would probably mean the world to her if she could help. I didn't know that. When people have said, "I'll do whatever I can to help," I heard, "You're weak. If you let me do something to help you, I'll see you as weak and make sure other people do, too."

Incredible.

If I had to have this happen to get it, I'll accept that. I don't know if this is why God brought me to this struggle or if this is simply a by-product, but I'll take it.

You know, I kept praying on my way to the doctor yesterday saying that I trust God and that I know He wouldn't drag me through this if it wasn't necessary.....and I believe that. I really do. There's a reason for this. Like it or not, God's doing something in me through this, and because He is good even when things don't make any sense, I trust Him.

And, should He offer to help me or express His divine concern for me, I'll believe it's out of love that He does so.

Same goes for that sweet kitty cat in the picture above.