Uncertainty

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

My mind is restless tonight. For once, I actually went to bed with Scott, which hasn't happened much since California since I was able to catch up on my sleep quickly while it took him longer because he immediately had to jump back into his work routine. I went to bed, settled in, closed my eyes, and my mind ran rampant. Thoughts of my future and the uncertainty of it all just ran back and forth in my mind, and there was no stopping it. I tried the usual approaches of thinking about calming things and counting backwards and slowing my breathing, but that did nothing. Around and around my mind ran, thinking about things that I hope will someday be true but for now - at least - I can do nothing about. I finally gave in to the wanderings of my mind and got up, fearing that my own restlessness would disrupt Scott's badly-needed night of good sleep.

It's overwhelming, you know? I'm thinking about work - both my seemingly endless quest for work and recent situations that have arisen with Scott's work - and how life somehow centers upon that. There are things I want for our future - namely, to have a family - but I can't rush that on because I know that there are a lot of unsettled and pending issues that have to be tended to before that is really a viable option. Namely, I need a job. That has been hovering over my head like a flimsy travel umbrella during the rainy Sevilla spring - always there and yet never quite doing the trick. It will be resolved, and I trust God to take me where He wants me to be. I do. It's the timing issue I'm having issues with.

There's that, and there are womanly thoughts that run through my head on nights like this. For those reading this who don't want to know too much about me and my personal life, stop reading here. My thoughts run rampant, with no logical order or obedience to the rational part of my being. "Will we want to know the sex of the baby?" "Will we want to tell people if its a boy or a girl, and will we want people to know the name before he or she is born?" "Will I stay home, like I want to, or will I be in such a fantastic job that I'll actually reconsider my dream of staying home and raising my children?" "I like this name......does it go well with 'Bolyard'?" "Scott will be such a wonderful father....I can't wait to see him like that..." Completely illogical because it's nowhere in our near future, and completely terrifying because I always fear that my maternal thoughts will frighten my "not ready for children yet" husband. Yet the thoughts persist, and there's just no stopping them.

I came out here and started up this post with the intention of writing something that would be like a devotional for any of you who are uneasy about your futures, and now that I'm writing I fear that it's just sounding like a journal entry opened to the world. I got up in order to seek solace from God's Word - as He always knows what to say to me to get me to relax and go to sleep - and as such, I'm going to turn to His wisdom to resolve this. At least temporarily.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:33-34)

The Lord will reply to them: "I am sending you...enough to satisfy you fully." (Joel 2:19)

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14)

I know God has a plan and He will see it through to its completion. I know that He has planted dreams in my heart and delights in seeing them come true in my life. I know that He has my own wellbeing in mind and will not do anything to harm me. I know all of that.....but it's the things I don't know that keep me up. It's the wondering if/when I'm going to get a job. It's the wondering what will happen if Scott loses his job. It's the worry that we'll never be in a place where we can feel good about adding to our family. It's the fear that something else will keep that from happening. And then there's the fear that I'm losing it completely. There is no reason for this to be keeping me up tonight, yet here I sit, wide awake and feeling no indication of sleepiness.