Hide and Seek

Do you remember playing hide and seek when you were little? Scrambling to find the best spot to cram your little body into, trying to be the first to discover the best hiding place ever, and waiting in excited silence while you were sought? I remember feeling like being found was the worst fate that could befall me.....as if my friend or sister who, moments before, had been my most trusted confidant in the world, had suddenly become scary and dangerous. They mustn't find me! I remember a contradictory fear, too, as I would hide for increasingly long periods of time. Had I found such a good spot that they couldn't find me? Had they gone on with the game without me? Was I, in fact, the only one still playing, while the others had moved on to another pursuit? The fear of not being found was greater, at times, than the fear of being found.....the fear of being forgotten stronger than the fear of losing.....the fear of being left behind more powerful than the desire to win the game. The fear would often drive me out of my hiding place, drive me out into the light, muscles cramped and heart racing, as I looked around the yard for the others. I needed to know: had I been forgotten about, or had I succeeded in concealing myself from everyone?

Today, I'm hiding again. The one who seeks me is a little harder to explain.....I'm hiding from the world and from myself at the same time. When the phone rings I jump, knowing that someone is trying to find me. Someone is looking for me, but I don't answer. Hiding is more important. Hiding is better for me now, as it will let me avoid everything else. Hiding has brought me to a place of fear and dread, and by continuing to hide I can avoid it all...though my logical mind knows the dread will only get worse. I ignore my logical mind. Hiding has become the most important thing for me today. I peek out the blinds at the world outside. I reluctantly check email. I constantly fear that someone will discover that I am, in fact, hiding, and that I'll have to talk. I'll have to tell them why and how and what's going on. I'll have to uncover myself and be vulnerable again. I have to keep hiding here in my house, hiding in my bed, hiding in isolation. Only here am I safe. But what if they stop looking? What if they give up? What if so much time passes and so many calls go unanswered that they get bored with the pursuit and figure I don't want to be found.....? What if they become content to leave me here in my self-made isolation? What if I am forgotten? I've heard them talk about others who hide....others who run. "She has to want to help herself. If she doesn't try, there's only so much we can do." I have a choice to make. Which is worse - being found and having to unveil myself, or forcing myself into prolonged solitude? Which is really worse? Somewhere in my mind I know people will keep looking for me - they'll keep calling, keep inviting me out, keep asking me to talk - but I'm torn. I want them to leave me alone. I want them to let me be, and to let me keep hiding. This works for me. At the same time, though, I want so badly to be found. I want to be uncovered and rescued from this darkness and this fear. I don't want to be sick and I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be overtaken and I don't want to fall victim to this anymore.....but the moment of my being discovered is so scary. It's scary to be vulnerable. It's scary to come out of hiding.