It's lonely at the front.

Some of you may know - others probably have no idea - that I speak in front of my church every week. I don't have a big and major role, by any means, but I do get up and I do speak from the stage with a microphone (without notes, which sometimes proves to be a mistake). I welcome everyone, give a brief spiel about what we're going to be discussing that day, and pray to begin worship. I enjoy it. I never would have thought - never in the absolutely wildest and most incredible dreams that my mind could fathom - that I would do something like this. I'm an introvert at heart, and I never would have picked up that microphone for the first time had God not put the pieces in place for me to do so and made it crystal clear that He wanted me to do this. I have never enjoyed public speaking, but because He has opened this door and created this opportunity for me, I have come to love it and - strangely enough - feel that this may be one of the areas in which I have been gifted. God certainly has a funny sense of humor, and I'm appreciating that more and more every day!

All of that being said, something has been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel that I should share. I don't in any way want this to come out as a complaint, but more as a statement of fact that will hopefully get you thinking. I repeat - I love what I do in front of the church. I am so thankful to God for creating an opportunity for me that I never would have given a second thought. I relish that I get to be a part of ushering people into His presence to worship Him.

However, it is lonely at the front.

What I mean by that is this: Everyone thinks they know me, but I know hardly anyone. I imagine it's probably very much the same situation television and radio personalities encounter, in that because of what they do, everyone feels that they know them personally. In reality, though, all the public knows is a name and a face and whatever tidbits about themselves they may choose to disclose on the air. They do not know a person - personally - in the way that daily exposure to this person makes them feel that they do, and the public personality knows nothing about these people to whom they speak on a regular basis.

No one is a stranger, and yet everyone is.

It has happened to me more than once that someone addresses me by name and I have never even seen them before. (The stage lights are crazy bright, people.) I have introduced myself to people and had them stare at me as if to say, "Um, yeah.....I know who you are," and then fail to introduce themselves to me. I have had people say that they "know" me when I have never had a conversation with them.

The cumulative effect of this is utter loneliness.

I don't know if my position makes me intimidating, or if everyone assumes that I have a close circle of friends they don't know about, or what. I don't know how, exactly, it happens. It does happen, though, that while everyone feels that they know me, I am alone. As I mentioned, I am an introvert, and it is very, very hard for me to approach people to initiate a conversation. It is so much easier for me to get onstage and speak one-sidedly to a room of dark silhouettes than it is for me to walk up to a group of two or three people and join their conversation. Friendships do not come easily for me; this is why I cherish the ones that I have.

I have worked on this, and I continue to get better in this area. I don't seek pity or sympathy in telling this. It is a struggle for me, though, and because it has been weighing on me somewhat heavily lately, and because I suspect that others share my sentiments, I felt I should share it with you. Through my story, my message for you, dear readers, is this:

Do not replace my stage with a pedestal. I am just like you. I do not have everything together. I am a big mess that, for reasons unbeknownst to me, God chooses to use.

I need people. I need friends. I need relationships, just like you do, and while my introversion may make it appear that I don't need you, I really, really do. I need you, even though I don't know you. Talk to me. Talk to me like a regular person, and don't forget to tell me your name. You know mine, but you are a stranger to me who I would very much like to get to know.