Thoughts While Waiting

Scott left for work this morning giving me the simple instructions to "take it easy" today. I'm not supposed to be on my feet any more than I have to be, just so that this baby can stay in there just a little bit longer, so he didn't want me bustling around doing whatever I might normally have been doing. I told him I would, in fact, take it easy and I am, in fact, trying.

However, I am also going a little bit crazy. As I sit here in the recliner in front of the TV (again) I can't help but think about the things I might be doing if I wouldn't get in trouble for doing so. There is still some work I'd like to do in the nursery. I have laundry to do. There are dishes in the sink that need to be washed and the furniture has a deplorable thin layer of dust accumulating on it. The sheets and towels need to be washed and changed. This is all very hard to watch and ignore.

This makes my house sound a little bit gross, and I promise it's not really as bad as it sounds. It is bad, though, for a woman who is nesting and not allowed to nest. The thing is, I don't want to go into the hospital (any time now) and leave this behind. I don't want to come home with my daughter for the first time and have chores waiting for me. I know I won't physically OR mentally feel like hopping to it, so I'd really rather not have to worry about it. I'd really rather be able to come home to a nice, clean house and for the three of us to be able to settle right in to our new life together.

Hearing the slight panic in my voice this afternoon, my sister Ashley offered to come out to my house and help me with some things. Honestly, my first thought when she made the offer was, "Heck no. No one can see my house being less than perfect. No one can think I need help. No one can break through this fake shell of perfection I've tried so hard to build up for the world to see." Oh, the pride! As I considered it, though, I thought about how nice it would be to have some company here today, and how good it would be to be able to get a few things done without the risk of getting into trouble with Scott or my doctor for doing "too much." So she's on her way here in a little while, and while I'm not sure if I really have enough on my to-do list to warrant having two people here, it will be nice to have some company.

Plus, I think this is a learning lesson for me. One thing I've seen repeatedly in my "new mom" magazines as I've perused them over the past few months is this pearl of wisdom: "Accept others' offers to help." This may be just the beginning as I try to learn this difficult lesson. It may also be a chance for me to realize that my house may never again fall into the imaginary category of "perfect."

Oh, the things that must change. Lord, prepare me for all of this. You know I don't handle change well!

I'm nervous and excited, though. I'm anxious and eager. I've always thought it was insane that some women would have to live for an indeterminate amount of time dilated an unknown amount and having contractions every so often. I've always wondered what that must feel like, and how crazy it must feel to know that this life-changing event could happen at any time. Now I'm here. I'm living through that very experience, and it's so strange. I keep wondering at what point it's going to feel real. I'm obviously smack in the middle of this, and have been watching this happen for the past 38 weeks. I know I'm going to have a baby very soon, and that life is about to change. We have a room upstairs dedicated to the comfort and wellbeing of a little person I've never met. There are tiny little clothes scattered throughout the house, and items which a year ago would have baffled me. There are cards on the shelf congratulating us and wishing us well with our new family of three. Obviously, this is real......but it's not real in my mind. How will I feel when I see this this baby is real? How will I feel when I see her little face for the first time, or hear her cry, or have her tiny fingers wrapped around mine? Will it be real then, or will I continue in this dreamlike state? Will it all come naturally to me, or will it be difficult to fall into the role of mommy? Will I be a little bit sad to see this wonderful, miraculous time of pregnancy come to an end, or will I be so elated to have this little person in my life that I won't be able to remember anything before she arrived? How will it feel?

I can't wait to find out. I cannot wait. I know it's going to be hard, and I know there are going to be days when I want to cry and quit and run away. I know I have learning to do, and I know that this is going to be the most difficult thing I've ever attempted. I know that, and yet I can't wait. I've never been one to embrace change. (I myself was born three weeks late....and had to be induced even then!) I've never been one to jump at the chance to leave a comfortable place and leap into the unknown with both feet. This time, though, seems different. I'm terrified, but I'm more excited than I can remember being in my life. I want to put this off as long as I can.....but I want it to happen as soon as possible so I can begin this new journey, this new stage.

There are so many feelings and so many thoughts racing through this unsettled mind of mine right now. I wish there were words.....I wish there were a way to encapsulate all of this anticipation and eagerness so that one day I could pull it all out and let my daughter know how eagerly we waited for her, how much we wanted her, how deeply we loved her before we had even met her, and how wonderfully she rocked our world from the very beginning of her existence. I wish I could package this feeling up in a little bundle and remember it forever. Soon, very soon, these emotions will be replaced by others - stronger versions, perhaps, than the ones I'm feeling now - and I will plunge into an unknown world. The exciting thing about that leap is that I get to make it with God as my guide, Scott by my side, and a tiny little baby to forever remind me that miracles do happen.