I'm sorry I've been somewhat........hmm.........absent. For one thing, my mind has been occupied largely by Mom's struggle and honestly, posting any of my little trite thoughts I tend to post seemed thoughtless and remarkably unremarkable in light of what else I have going on.
I have actually had a lot going on, though to those who see me from the outside (hmm......wouldn't that be pretty much everybody?) it wouldn't have seemed like it. I'm a champion at holding things in and insisting that "I'm just FINE!" when I'm really, really not. For that reason, I get lots of weird looks when I tell people of my daily struggles. (For a long time I interpreted those weird looks as disapproval, but came to realize that it was genuine surprise, because apparently I cover things up pretty well.)
In any case, this past weekend and the past several days have been tough on me. I've been thinking about Mom, of course, and my own situation certainly hasn't helped. Let's see....where to begin?
You all know about the issues I've been having with my job - angry homeowners and all that. What I've tried to keep under wraps, though, is the effect it has had on me. As an anxious person, this has not been good for me. Every time the phone rings at work, I feel physically sick - I just know that this is going to be someone yelling at me for something. I even got a phone call on Saturday morning about vandalism at the neighborhood pool. It never ends, and it's wearing on me. It really is. Every morning the first thought that comes to my mind is that I have to come back to this place, and my body responds to that thought with a pounding heart, nausea, and tears. Every single morning. It is physically not good for me. Last weekend I was to the point of wanting to walk in Monday morning and quit. I like everything else about my job - the stuff I do for my boss is fun and interesting, and I really don't mind that part. What I do mind is feeling under attack and impotent against the things I'm supposed to be handling. I mind it very much, and was ready to tell my boss so on Monday morning. Even if I didn't resign, I wanted to tell someone here how hard this is on me. I couldn't help but think that if someone knew what was going on with me, there would be some degree of understanding if it did come to the point of my resignation.
I got to work Monday morning and quickly realized that Monday would not be the day for said conversation. Our office manager, who I had planned on telling about my problem, was not here, and my boss was bustling around getting his feet back on the ground after a week of vacation. It would not be a good day for him to hear that his assistant was on the verge of a nervous breakdown - seriously. A nervous breakdown, y'all.
Sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears, I sat at my desk and tried to focus on things I needed to do. Every time the phone rang, I jumped out of my skin. Every time I saw I had a new email, I nearly hyperventilated. I was not well. I kept thinking, "I have to get out of here. I can't do this anymore. God, help me with this, because I can't do this. I just can't."
Every time I would think about leaving, though, I felt a little pang somewhere in my stomach. There was the feeling of relief that would inevitably bring, as this aprticular anxiety would let up, but I felt something else that led me to believe I shouldn't think about quitting. There was something in my mind that told me that shouldn't even be considered an option right now. Something in my mind said that I needed to stick it out.
"Why, though, God? Why would You want me to stay here?" Everywhere I turned, I found an answer to that question - scripture, the radio.... A friend's blog reminded me that God has a plan and that even if it doesn't make sense, I need to stay where He has put me and follow Him until He moves me. As I read her words, I thought, "God's not moving me. If I left, it'd be because I am moving me."
Y'all, I've done that enough. If you read my resume (who'd do that?) you'd see that I bounce from job to job to job, usually within 6 to 8 months or so. (Hey! I'm there now!) In that amount of time, I usually get sufficiently fed up and leave.....sometimes with clear direction on where I'm going next, and sometimes with no direction whatsoever. I'm a runner. When things get unpleasant and scary, I run. I just do. I like to tell myself I'm strong, but the truth is that I'm just fast. I run away. I get out before it gets too rough.
I feel a clear message from God here: Stay put.
It doesn't make any sense! Why would God want me to stay somewhere where I'm under attack? Why would He put me - ME, with my serious anxiety problems on easy days - somewhere that causes me anxiety every single day?
He's working on me, y'all. He's doing something here. If I'm honest, I don't like it one bit. I don't want to be here, getting yelled at for things I can do nothing about. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel so helpless, but He's teaching me something here - don't want to speculate what that would be - and He wants me to stay here.
It gives me a lump in my throat, and my feet are getting that itch to run away, but I know - deep in my heart - that if I stay here, God's going to do something for me and in me that's infinitely better than that temporary relief I'd feel if I ran. It seems crazy, even to me, but I feel like this is what I have to do.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Obedience?
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7 of your thoughts:
I understand you feelings, worries, hurts and all the other "stuff" you are describing. It hurts, I know. You just keep venting, don't keep it all in. It does feel good to release whatever you're feeling. Also, whatever you're feeling is okay. Keep fighting, please. God will help, if He's putting the task in front of you He will help you get through it as well.
Keep expressing your feelings, in the meantime. I'll be praying.
I wish you could talk to your boss (when the time is right) and tell him your thoughts and maybe he can restructure your job somehow so you do not have to do the parts that are so stressful.
Hi Jessie
I have moved somewhere around 35 times in my life. Until here, the longest I ever lived anywhere was 3 years. (Here now 4 and 1/2!!) I've known people, co-workers, etc. for more than 3 years! About a year ago I was freaking. Looking for a new job, wondering if I could sell my house, setting up arguments with friends, etc. Then I realized it was my get-up-and-go time. Break-all-ties time. It was hard to get through. It will undoubtedly come again. I listened to a song by Melissa Etheridge-"you don't have to live like a refugee". That's what I felt like-a refugee. I'm still working on the whole idea of keeping my feet firmly planted, but it is definitely hard, and a continual work in progress.
So, my point here is...I can relate chickie. Please know that you are not alone in your feelings.
I haven't read this post yet. I'm trying to show some restraint and only blog a LITTLE bit at work since I should be inputting grades right now.
Two things:
1) I LOVED that word verification blog! It cracked me up!
2) I thought the same thing about the churro picture, mainly, "It looks like they're writing on napkins." but then I quickly reminded myself that most NORMAL people don't do that and also that although it was OUR custum in Spain it is nevertheless NOT a Spanish custom. How sad!
And then...I never wrote on napkins with those girls when they visited so they would have have no knowledge of our silly and wonderful "American's in Spain"
custom!
PS-Dave wants to pick your brain about the Quest...or even your pastor's...so we can get some vision for our young adult, non-traditional service we're starting. I told him to check your blog and then remembered it would be easier if I just gave him your email...which I have failed to do as of yet...but yeah, be looking out for some emails from my beloved :-)
am I crazy? Didn't I comment to this post this morning?? I thought for sure enough I did!
Hmm......I didn't erase anything, Birdie. If I had read your comment, what would it have said?
Just remember two things--one, God NEVER gives us any trials that we can't handle, and two, he uses our trials to make us stronger. Like they say, "Don't pray for patience because then God will give you patience" meaning, when you pray for it, you'll be put in situations that TRY your patience. It seems to me that God is trying to make you stronger, teaching you how to cope with the things that threaten to pull you down. It seems to me that he has already done a work in you because I remember not very long ago when your anxiety attacks sent you home, and now you're not home, you're still at work. You've made SO much progress and I think God wants to just keep taking you further!
Recently, the devil has been attacking me in a certain area of my life that was a constant source of terror, fear, and anxiety since I was very small. I'm more well-equipped to resist him now. I'm armed with scripture and truths about myself and God that drive him away. I think, "Why am I going through this again?" and yet, my going through it just shows me the progress i have made since I was that little girl cowering in her bed at night out of fear. I am learning to stand and not cower from the very thing that sometimes felt it threatened to rob me of my very soul. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be here where it no longer has that hold on me. But it doesn't mean it's not going to try, you know? Anyway, gotta go. I'm home with cramps, which are now mostly gone, and Dave's clammering for pancakes.
And your word verification is "jeohap" and I don't know what exactly it means, but it's a fun word to say, like some type of new mineral I've discovered. No, I'm not as good as you are at word verification creativity, but I'm trying!
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